Self-Esteem is Created Consciously with Intention

Self-esteem is a term that many people toss around, and I bet that the vast majority of you don’t really understand what in the world Self esteem really means.

For a moment, I invite you to consider that Self-esteem–esteeming one’s Self–is really code for the conscious knowing that you are at choice every minute!

Self-esteem is your willingness and ability to honor your legitimate needs; to say your real “yes” and your real “no”; to set and maintain your boundaries; and to act on your own behalf.

Self esteem is the willingness and ability to positively impact, affect and influence people and events around you.

You have an inner guidance system that drives you and guides your choice-making whether you are aware of it or not. Your system includes:

  • Vision
  • Life-purpose
  • Mission
  • Needs/Values

Your Self-esteem is deeply informed by the level and the extent of your awareness of your inner guidance system, and your deliberate intention to live consciously and be at choice.

What so many people forget is that lasting happiness, peace of mind, deep and joyful love, abundance, physical and emotional health are created primarily through who you are being rather than what you are doing or having.

You create your life and your love life through your beliefs, intentions, and the actions you take in the world.

Let’s look at each of these separate yet inter-related parts of the four corners of your inner life:

1. Your Vision is your idea of the world you want to live in and be a part of; what you want your life to be.

When you think of your “vision,” think of your personal world of family and friends, your community, work and colleagues…everything in the world that touches you in some way every day and how you want that to be. Continue reading

Intimacy Can Be Yours—If You Act on It!

Creating, nurturing and maintaining intimacy in long-term, committed relationships requires intention, deliberate choice and deliberate action. Nothing about creating intimacy and truly being intimate with another person is unconscious. Closeness is enhanced through purposeful sensitivity, tenderness and respect for each other.

Being congruent is a process in which you value yourself; you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, and your resources and choices; honor and express your deepest knowing about yourself and be sure that what you say and how you say it match what you are feeling.

There are three good reasons that you and your partner might not always communicate effectively with each other.

First, most people don’t identify their feelings accurately.

Secondly, it is very difficult for most people to find the right words to express how they feel.

Lastly, if they do know how they feel and if they have a few words to accurately express how they feel, most lack the courage to let anybody know.

Does this sound like you or your partner? Identifying your feelings, finding the right words to express your feelings and mustering the courage to actually express your feelings to him or her really isn’t so complicated.

Don’t avoid saying what is in your heart or on your mind to say. Say it! It will go a long way to deepen your intimacy!

Don’t hide your worries because you don’t want your partner to know that you are not in control. Share them! Watch the intimacy between you soar!

Don’t dismiss your hopes and dreams because you are afraid he or she won’t share your excitement. Honor them! Allow your partner in, and experience the intimacy between the two of you intensify!

When you stay emotionally available and present, the intimacy you are building will deepen, and get richer and better. Create a safe and supportive place to tell each other the truth mindfully, responsibly and respectfully and always remember that the foundation of your relationship is built on good will and good intention.

So be intentional. Be certain that your deliberate choice and deliberate action send the unmistakable message that you are happy to be with your partner and that your life is better and richer with her or him than it could ever be alone. Take the time to truly develop, take care of and preserve the intimacy of your relationship, learn to roll with the ups and downs and you will enjoy the warmth and tenderness of the relationship you want and deserve.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com

You are invited to stay in the know by listening to
Dr. Jackie’s Relationship-focused Podcast

Are You Too Busy to Preserve the Intimacy?

Intimacy isn’t an automatic response. Intimacy isn’t a given because you love someone or feel loved by someone. Intimacy doesn’t come with a commitment or with a marriage license. The basic, fundamental element of intimacy is cherishing each other!

Creating, nurturing and maintaining intimacy in long-term, committed relationships is the toughest and the most worthwhile undertaking one can accomplish.

It requires intention, deliberate choice and deliberate action. Nothing about creating intimacy and truly being intimate with another person is unconscious. Closeness is enhanced through purposeful sensitivity, tenderness and respect for each other.

Intimacy is the result of celebrating each other; celebrating each other’s presence and celebrating being in each other’s presence!

  • Be appreciative
  • Offer acknowledgement
  • Give the benefit of the doubt
  • Be the most ardent cheerleader
  • Be an enthusiastic supporter
  • Applaud your partner’s efforts
  • Extol his or her virtues
  • Be generous of spirit and open heart
  • Always remember to be encouraging

Be intentional. Be certain that your deliberate choice and deliberate action send the unmistakable message that you are happy to be with him or her and that your life is better and richer with him or her than it could ever be alone. Take the time to truly develop, take care of and preserve the intimacy of your relationship, and you will enjoy the warmth and tenderness of the relationship you want and deserve.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com

You are invited to stay in the know by listening to
Dr. Jackie’s Relationship-focused Podcast

Making Sense of the Dating Process

Dating is a process with a beginning, a middle and an end. Very importantly, the process is different depending on why you are dating.

If you are Dating to Find Your Ideal Partner, be crystal clear about it; the more you know what you want the more likely you will be successful finding your ideal partner.

If you are Dating For Friendship or to Create Social Opportunities take the time to find the right words to let the men or women you are dating know that is why you are dating; be clear about not being ready for a committed relationship.

Be a good observer of your feelings and behavior. Be willing to let the people you date experience you, in the places in which you are the most comfortable doing the things that you most love to do.

Stop Dead-end Dating

If your goal is to find your ideal partner, then stop dating the person you are dating as soon as you recognize that she or he is not your ideal match; don’t keep dating just because it is convenient. Approach dating as a process of discovery, realizing that the end of the process is discovering your ideal match; it will save you lots of wear and tear on your emotions.

Identifying Your Ideal Match

We create our life and our love life through our beliefs, intentions and the actions we take in the world. Vision, Needs/Values, Life Purpose and Mission are the four corners, the foundational pieces of each person’s inner life. Continue reading

Plan to Go Places and Do Things You Enjoy

When you plan a date, plan to participate in interests and activities that you enjoy. Invite someone into your life. Be willing to let the people you date experience you, in the places in which you are the most comfortable doing the things that you most love to do.

Dates are a time to create opportunities to do the things you most enjoy. On dates, listen carefully to your inner voice(s) and to the person you are with. Experience the other person and who he or she is in their heart and soul.

Married and committed couples–this is your opportunity to go inside yourself and figure out how to plan fun and leisure time. Many adults never become completely comfortable playing or even with the idea of having fun or spending leisure time. Take turns planning your special time together.

Doing things together strengthens a relationship, but all too often you are reacting to messages from the past that tell you that personal happiness, having fun, and self-interest are not worthy or valuable pursuits. Nonsense! I invite you to break free of other people’s limiting beliefs and values, exploring family dynamics, and challenging cultural models that may keep you stuck is life-long work. Ironically, part of the work is learning how to create and enjoy leisure time, recognizing and acknowledging the value of fun (play) and bringing balance into your life.

Continue reading

Dr Jackie Black Newsletter


Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

Learn more at DrJackieBlack.com