Monthly Archives: September 2012

Stop! Your Boundary Hurts Me

Ask Dr. Jackie:
Sometimes in a relationship there is a sticky dynamic where one party tries to set a boundary that is comfortable for them, but it feels exclusionary to the other person. As if they are being shut out or exiled. This can feel painful for the person who feels shut out. And of course it feels totally dysfunctional for the person who is setting the boundary. I would wager that quite a few relationships run into unexpected trouble around this issue. What’s your perspective on how to handle this? How would you recommend that someone in a relationship set a boundary without hurting the person you love most?

Dr. Jackie Answers:
One of the most problematic dynamics in a relationship occurs if I need or want something that doesn’t match for you; or worse, that negatively impacts you in some way.  Because you are not me and I am not you, there will be times in our relationship when we need or want different or divergent things.  Couples should expect this.

The problem isn’t that this happens.  The problem is that most couples don’t have the skills to work through these events when they occur.

Let’s take a step back for a moment and clarify two things:

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Are You Sick and Tired of Always Paying?

Mature men and women who are dating have many questions about money. The most frequent question from men is how to avoid always picking up the tab.

There are four easy steps to learn and follow:

Step 1:

First determine the occasions that you can imagine choosing to “pick up the tab.”

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Self-Esteem Doesn’t Just Happen–It gets Created Deliberately and Intentionally

Self-esteem is a term that many people toss around, and I bet that the vast majority of you don’t really understand what in the world Self-esteem really means.

For a moment, I invite you to consider that Self-esteem–esteeming one’s Self–is really code for the conscious knowing that you are at choice every minute!

Self-esteem is your willingness and ability to honor your legitimate needs; to say your real “yes” and your real “no”; to set and maintain your boundaries; and to act on your own behalf.

Self-esteem is the willingness and ability to positively impact, affect and influence people and events around you.

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Celebrating the Imperfections of Those We Love the Most!

Sometimes we are so busy comparing our loved ones against some arbitrary set of expectations we have from who knows where (and our loved ones always come up short!); or complaining about the imperfections of the people we care the most about, that we completely miss the endearing qualities that make them who they are and make them so special to us! Those are the things that we will miss when they are no longer here with us.

This very short video explores this theme through a woman’s brief comments about her beloved husband at his funeral.

Take a moment, watch this video and give yourself another moment to reflect. Then take one last moment and send me your thoughts about this video or this theme.

Until next time…

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!



Original Text Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC ~
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Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

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