Monthly Archives: October 2013

Whose Job Is It Anyway?

Accept that it’s your job to educate your partner about what makes you feel most loved.

Feeling loved, that is feeling respected, valued and celebrated, is the result of hearing your partner’s words and experiencing your partner’s actions consistently over time.

Feeling loved or happy or satisfied or competent is sourced by each of us, inside ourselves.

Love is not a feeling you feel. It is the result of a combination of words and actions that you interpret to mean love.

It is our job to help our partners know what loving words and behaviors are to us. Don’t expect the man or woman who loves you to know what to do and say so that you feel loved. Let him or her know, specifically.

Some of us enjoy sending or receiving cards and flowers. Some appreciate behaviors like getting the car washed, taking the dog for a walk or initiating an evening out.

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After Divorce: Falling in Love or Falling for Comfort

Healing from divorce is not easy. It is often a long and excruciating process and always brings out strong emotions.

The divorce process frequently leaves people feeling:

  • Lonely
  • Flawed
  • Enraged
  • Undesirable
  • Helpless
  • Empty
  • Emotionally raw and overwhelmed

An important part of divorce is the repair process. The repair process includes learning to honor and heal the many normal and natural emotions of divorce:

  • Anger at yourself and your ex-partner
  • Shame and guilt that haunts you and keeps you stuck and unable to think about many of the alternatives and possibilities
  • Sadness and despair over the loss of the relationship
  • Anxiety over the disruption of the family
  • Loss of a lifetime of hopes, dreams, expectations

I recommend that you wait to start dating until you have completed the repair process and regain some of you personal strength and resilience. I strongly urge you not to move in with anyone or get into a committed relationship during this all-important process.

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Grieving Well

Grief is the reaction to a loss event.

Grieving is the normal, natural, and necessary process that restores us to wholeness.

Grieving is a wholly feeling experience. Our thinking part of Self does not grieve!

There are five normal, natural, and necessary feeling states of grieving are anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, and guilt. These feelings are felt in waves and pangs, at different intensities and at different times, sometimes one feeling at a time or in various combinations or all at the same time.

People who are grieving often sleep too much or not enough, or eat too much or not enough. They become forgetful, loose things, get lost, and can become generally disoriented or overwhelmed. Don’t be alarmed by any of these responses. They are all very normal and natural. Grieving is a time in your life when your motivation and concentration may be diminished, your memory might not be as sharp as it once was and will be again, and inspiration, creativity, and intuition may be less than usual. This is to be expected and is nothing to become worried about.

When a loved one or close friend dies it is nearly always useful to join a bereavement group and talk with others who are experiencing similar things. There are many bereavement groups out there today. Check local churches, hospitals, and hospices. Also, many psychologists and counselors offer very affordable groups privately. Check your local newspapers.

If you have strong faith, don’t work with anyone who is not respectful and supportive of your rich spiritual life. Your faith will be most helpful during your grieving process.

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Committed Couples: Repairing Hurt Feelings and Shaken Trust

There may be occasions during your relationship when you hurt your Honey’s feelings or she or he hurts your feelings. There may be those rare times that your beloved does or says something that shakes your trust, or you do or say something that shakes his or her trust.

Those times may seem like the end of your relationship. You might fear that nothing can be said or done to repair the damage. Repairing the hurt is possible if you are both willing to work it out!

When you are hurt do you try to hurt your partner back? Do you hold a grudge? Do you reject your partner’s effort(s) to apologize and make up? Sometimes partners don’t have good tools and skills and don’t use their words effectively in emotionally charged situations.

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Dr Jackie Black Newsletter

Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

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