Monthly Archives: June 2014

6-Point Plan to Fanning Flames of Romance and Passion

There are many myths about sex and romance in long-term relationships. There are also some universal truths and contemporary theories that should inform your personal attitudes and behaviors, and your responsibilities and obligations to your beloved and your relationship.

You have no doubt longed for that “early time” in your relationship to return. So often I hear men and women say, “I want our love to be the way it was when we first met”; or “I want it to be the way it used to be”; or “I know it is possible, he was like that when we were first together.”

I hear so many of you talk about the “spontaneity” that once was; the sudden inspiration or creativity that transformed dull days and nights into magical adventures.

Now hear this! The early time in your relationship was not spontaneous at all—quite the contrary!!

You planned for many hours; thought about each other endlessly: what to do; where to go; what to wear; will you pick him up or meet her; include friends or family now or next time… You thought about each other nearly every moment, talked on the phone incessantly and talked about each other to others when you weren’t talking to each other.

It will never be the way it used to be. It is not supposed to be. The beginning is the beginning and cannot be taken into the middle or regained once you are in the middle of your relationship.

If you are a person who likes the early times in relationships, you may notice having difficulty moving into later stages of your relationships and probably end them or act out so that your partner ends them well before or around the two to three-year mark.

For many men and women the beginning of a relationship is exciting! You are just getting to know each other. He doesn’t know anything about your dark side. She is oblivious to your annoying behaviors, idiosyncrasies or eccentricities.

It’s a time when you love everything about each other. Attitudes and behaviors are easily and readily tolerated and accommodated…at least for the first six to nine months. It’s a time when you have less ego than you will at any other time in your relationship. It’s a time of high sexual attraction and abounding sexual energy.

Fast-forward eighteen months to three years: There are no more secrets. You have bills together; dirty laundry; and every-day decisions to negotiate. You’ve been disappointed; he’s disillusioned; you’re both hurt. Your own life is challenging, stressful and busy. Sexual attraction and sexual energy are decreasing, or have just plain taken a nosedive!

What to do?

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Oh no! Not the Big Wedding ~ Unless You Get Basic Marriage Education First

Wedding season is now in full swing!

Newlyweds throughout the world spend more time, energy and money on their weddings than on building their relationships and divorce-proofing their marriages!

According to the Journal of Family Psychology, premarital education is associated with higher levels of marital satisfaction, lower levels of destructive conflicts and higher levels of interpersonal commitment to spouses.

The results of a survey in four states in the U.S., strongly suggests that couples who received premarital education had a 31% lower chance of divorce.

What does it take to build a healthy, committed, joyful and lasting relationship?

It takes…

  • Individual and Shared Vision, Values, and Marriage Goals
  • Extreme Self-Awareness and Partner-Awareness
  • Understanding the influences of Your family, My family and Our family
  • Skills to Reduce Conflict, Repair Hurt Feelings, and Reestablish the Status Quo
  • Recognizing Disappointment and Disillusionment
  • Improving Listening and Communication Skills
  • Setting, Maintaining and Honoring Boundaries
  • Elegantly Crafting Agreements and Commitments
  • Willingness and Ability to talk about Sex and Intimacy, and Money

Getting married without Premarital or Newlywed coaching is like getting behind the wheel of a car without a driver’s license; or starting a business without a business plan.

Information and awareness prepares you for the inevitable challenges, conflicts and discontent that are normal and are to be expected when you begin to weave your lives together to create the rich tapestry we call marriage.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

This Bride Walks Down the Aisle and Has Everyone in Tears

If ever there’s a moment in a girl’s life when she’s guaranteed to be the center of attention, it’s when she’s walking down the aisle at her wedding. This bride took advantage of a captive audience to bring the house down and do something very special for her future husband. Everyone was in tears – especially the groom.

I was very touched by this bride’s intention to send a very special message to her groom, and I noticed that I was equally hopeful that they spend the time and make the effort to ensure that the love and caring they obviously shared on the day of their wedding will stay strong and lasting throughout their lives. I think it is worth saying again: Love is NOT enough. Love + Self-knowledge + Partner-knowledge + the Essential Relationship Success Skills = a Happy and lasting Relationship! Building the life that you love with the love of your life is completely do-able. May your deliberate intention light the way forward to many years of a deeply satisfying love-life.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Declare June Marriage Renewal Month


“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.”
–Margaret Young

We live in a contemporary society that often ignores the value and importance of B-E-I-N-G.

June is known as the wedding month in the US and in many other countries around the world.

If you are a soon-to-be-married couple, I vigorously encourage you to spend much more time focusing on how to co-create a strong and lasting marriage than you do on your wedding plans. Once all the food is eaten and the guests have gone home the wedding will be over. But your married life will just be starting and you are in charge of how happy and satisfied you will be for the rest of your life.

While the Huffington Post reports that getting spicy and adding the element of surprise are hot wedding trends for 2014, the fact of the matter is that you will be much better served by learning how to keep the love you feel on your wedding day just as strong in year #10 as it was that day!

Staying happy in a relationship and feeling loving and satisfied for years and years can be tricky at best. Be very mindful and intentional about NOT getting sucked into the logistical ruts most couples fall into who is going to do what, when and how; rather than keeping those embers of intimacy and romance burning on and on.

Whether you are married for a few weeks or for a number of decades, declare the month of June to be Marriage Renewal Month; the month you will renew and revitalize your marriage; to reconnect to each other and recommit to whatever will nurture and support your life and your love-life for many more years.

Here are 3-Simple Steps to Renew Your Marriage this month:

#1:  Make Time to Connect

Decide on a specific time and a specific place (it can be a room in your house) to sit together and just BE for a few minutes (it can be as little as 6 minutes). No problem solving or multi-tasking permitted. Make sure you are touching in some way:  link little fingers, sit side-by-side so your shoulders are just barely touching, or sit face to face so your knees are touching. The most gentle touch can be transforming, especially if it has been a long time since you last really connected with each other.

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Dr Jackie Black Newsletter


Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

Learn more at DrJackieBlack.com