Monthly Archives: August 2014

Guest Blogger Amy Schoen: “When Dating for Marriage it’s Values, Values, Values”

Welcome to Ask Dr. Jackie, the relationship-focused blog that brings you down to earth advice and relationship success skills every week from a relationship expert who has been there -me!

This week I have invited Amy Schoen, MBA, CCPC, to write a blog post.

Coach Amy is a Professional Life Coach and Dating/Relationship Expert, and she focuses on Helping Marriage Minded Singles to Find & Connect with Lasting Love.

Coach Amy and I couldn’t agree more when it comes to building value-driven relationships.

This might surprise you, but values, NOT feelings, drive your choices and behavior. Whatever your thoughts or dreams and whatever actions you take on your own behalf, honor your values and make them real in the world through your behavior (taking action):

  • BE your best and most brilliant and passionate YOU
  • DO that which affirms and esteems YOU
  • HAVE all that BEING and DOING brings into your life

I hope Coach Amy’s article offers you new information, inspiration and hope. Please share this post with anyone you think might be supported or inspired by reading it.

See you next week!

Until then, Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

When Dating for Marriage it’s Values, Values, Values!

Perhaps you have heard that in business it’s all about location, location, location! However, this dating coach believes that for relationships, it’s all about values, values and values! What do I mean about values? Let me explain:

Your values are what you treasure. It’s what you hold dear. When your values are not aligned with someone or something, you will feel discourse and out of sorts. I can’t stress how important it is to have a list with a detailed description of your values so you can adjust your love radar connection in the right direction.

As a dating coach I have observed for many of my clients that their love connection radar is off and they are choosing the inappropriate people to date based upon the wrong criteria. When you adjust your love connection radar through your values, you will make better choices for yourself and you will recognize a good potential mate sooner than later.

So how do your values help you with finding that special person? Let me share with you this dating coach’s 3 Step Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets System:

1. First CLARIFY WHO would be a good match for you.

Once you have a detailed description list of your values written out, then you have to figure out which ones are your PERSONAL VALUES and which are your RELATIONSHIP VALUES. Your RELATIONSHIP VALUES need to be aligned with your life partner and your PERSONAL VALUES need to be supported by your partner.

2. Next FOCUS on WHERE to go to find people who share your core RELATIONSHIP VALUES.

You will be able to figure out where you are going to meet people who share your values? You will find that you will connect with people because you share similar values. For instance, if you have a value around giving back to your community, you may find singles’ volunteer opportunities so you can meet other single people who feel the same desire. Also, it’s important to express your values in your online dating profile so you will attract the right people to your profile! Moreover, you can tell the connectors in your life WHO you are looking for based upon these RELATIONSHIP VALUES so they can easily think about who they know to introduce you to that would be a great match.

3. Last, your RELATIONSHIP VALUES will SOLIDIFY your CONNECTION to your romantic partner.

By honoring your CORE RELATIONSHIP values, you have the glue that will keep you together during the ups and downs of a relationship. When you share and support one another’s values, you both get one another and find that you have an appreciative, supportive, respectful and caring partner. This will give you the best chance for your future happiness in your romantic love partnership.

By disregarding your RELATIONSHIP VALUES you are missing the one thing that can make dating easier so you can determine who is a good fit, as well as, a way to kindly pass on those who don’t share your core VALUES.

What criteria are you utilizing to evaluate a potential mate for continued dating? This curious dating coach would like to know!

Warmly,
Coach Amy

 

P.S.  If you would like to learn more about how to utilize your values to find and solidify true love, go to www.TalkwithCoachAmy.com and let’s talk about how we can best uncover your PERSONAL and RELATIONSHIP VALUES in support of your quest to find your Motivated to Marry Mate!

 

© Coach Amy Schoen, All Rights Reserved. 2014. Printed with author’s permission.

 

7 Simple Tips to Effective Communication

“Why is communication important in a relationship? Is it the most important part of a relationship?”

First let’s agree that when we use the word communication we are referring to verbal and non-verbal communication.

Verbal and non-verbal language is an essential element for committed relationships, friendships, business relationship and virtually all other kinds of relationships. We depend on making ourselves understood to convey our wants and needs, likes and dislikes, thoughts and feelings, and to make requests of others.

We communicate non-verbally with our faces and our bodies. For example, when we are listening, we might tilt our heads a bit or lean forward toward the speaker. The speaker would likely perceive us to be interested, and listening attentively.

Conversely, if we fidget, sigh, roll our eyes, make any of a number of faces with our mouths and lips (you know what I mean!), we could be accurately perceived by the speaker to be in disagreement, contemptuous, critical, disapproving, etc.

We communicate verbally with the words we choose, with inflection, pitch, decibel level, and cadence. And make no mistake; a speaker’s attitude comes across loud and clear when she or he speaks.

Seven Simple and Easy Tips to Effective Communication:

  1. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
  1. Do what you say and say what you do.
  1. Your thoughts and feelings, needs and wants, likes and dislikes are valid and legitimate. It is your job to own your internal experience. That means identify what is going on for you inside yourself, learn to language it and find the courage to express it. Ownership implies that you know and believe that you are okay with who you are, and how you experience and react to your inside and outside worlds. Other people do not have to understand or agree in order for your experiences to be valid, legitimate and respected. This is about you!
  1. Similarly, others express their thoughts and feelings, needs and want, likes and dislikes and their internal experiences are valid and legitimate. You may or may not understand. Please respect their experience(s). Your response? Agree to disagree. Accept without agreeing. This is about them! This is not about you.
  1. When a need is unmet it becomes an issue. We have many opportunities to experience and express issues in our relationships. Common ways to respond, although unproductive and harmful, are to complain, blame and criticize. Next time you experience an issue try making a request. Identify what you need or want or what you want someone to do or say differently, then, make a request. Focus on what you want to happen, instead of what isn’t happening or what happened that you didn’t like.
  1. Learn to tell your whole truth. Notice I didn’t say the truth. Your truth is your recognition of what you are experiencing inside yourself and outside of yourself at any given moment. If you are experiencing an upset or a disappointment you may know or understand less about what you are experiencing than at other times. Find the courage to say as much as you can about what you think, feel, need and want. When you have more clarity or additional knowing be sure to share them with you partner.
  1. Listening is an essential and valuable skill. Becoming a good listener takes time and practice, and is enormously appreciated by others. When you are engaged in a meaningful conversation, say to you partner, “Tell me more.” This is a special invitation that conveys your interest, and intention to listen and really know them and understand the issue.

Communication is one of the essential parts of creating rich, meaningful relationships. Communicating verbally and non-verbally in a kind, responsible and respectful way furthers understanding, feeling valued, respected and cared for and increases intimacy and trust.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
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Thoughts Driven by Values and Fueled by Emotions Transform into Actions

This might surprise you, but values, NOT feelings, drive your choices and behavior. Whatever your thoughts or dreams and whatever actions you take on your own behalf, honor your values and make them real in the world through your behavior (taking action):

  • BE your best and most brilliant and passionate YOU
  • DO that which affirms and esteems YOU
  • HAVE all that BEING and DOING brings into your life

In addition to the principle of “Be, Do and Have,” let’s add the concept of “Being Congruent”: THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, ACTIONS, and BELIEFS all matching.

Whenever your thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs don’t all match each other, your personal YOU is out of integrity. When you are out of integrity nothing (and no one) will bring you joy and the deep satisfaction you long for!

There is no feeling in the world quite like the profound contentment that comes from being congruent. Everything that has gone before it pales into insignificance beside it.

Continue reading

Breaking Out IS Breaking Through!

I like to think of Breaking Out as Breaking Through!

Breaking out means creating breakthroughs!

Breakthroughs are the result of focused thinking, deliberate intention, and taking action.

Before we break out of the limits and structures that don’t match our best and most brilliant and passionate Self, we have to understand what the alternatives are and how to achieve them.

Let’s examine the “how-to” so you can break out of limiting thinking and limiting beliefs; turn your thoughts into action; and generate your break through!

There are Four Basic Principles:

  1. Thought Precedes Feeling
  2. You Can Change Your Thoughts
  3. Values Drive Behavior
  4. Whatever shows up in your life is exactly what you are inviting in

THOUGHT is the lightest, quickest form of energy. Any changes in your thoughts cause a whole series of other changes; and those other changes have the power to affect many dynamics and energies inside you and outside you. Continue reading

Dr Jackie Black Newsletter


Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

Learn more at DrJackieBlack.com