Monthly Archives: October 2014

15-Steps to Crafting Elegant & Effective Agreements

Couples join forces with one another by forming agreements. Agreements are expressed in writing or verbally during very intentional conversations.

Most of us have never learned how to craft effective, explicit agreements. It is a skill we were never taught, even though it is fundamental to all relationships and a basic life skill.

Below is a method I believe every committed couple should learn and use over and over again. It also works beautifully with any two or more people who wish to make agreements that honor who they are and their relationship, and ensures that they end up with a *Win-Win* outcome.


15-Steps to Elegant and Effective Agreements:

1.    Create and clearly articulate your joint vision with as much rich detail as possible. Be sure that both of you participate with eagerness and passion.

2.    Be sure that both of you are creating the agreement with intention and with a belief that you are well served making and honoring the agreement.

3.    Make a list of each person’s strengths, gifts, skills and talents that are available to be drawn on by each of you.

4.    Identify, with as much detail as possible, all the aspects of what it is you are coming to agreement about. A joint plan works best when you are both working toward the same joint vision.

5.    Be certain that each of you understands and acknowledges the actions (behaviors), attitudes, and responsibilities that are associated with the agreement for yourself and your partner.

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Agreements: The Road Map for Success

Effective Agreements

Life is an ongoing process of creating agreements with others. An effective agreement means more than getting another person to do what you want. It means a true commitment from both people.

Successful Agreements

Your overall effectiveness in making and honoring agreements is greatly increased if you pay attention to three important elements:

  1. Clarify your personal values.
  2. Clarify your Vision as an individual.
  3. Clarify your Vision and Purpose as a Couple.

These three pieces will provide a strong foundation from which to commit to your agreements and achieve more consistent and satisfying results.

The Road Map for Success

Success is an almost certainty when both partners keep their agreements. Success is certainly at risk if one person doesn’t keep his or her agreements.

Most couples have hopes and dreams, and desires and expectations. They establish goals and make commitments that are developed from a joint visioning process; a process that expresses an inclusive vision of desired outcomes; their road map to success!

Another way to look at this is that we join forces with others by forming agreements. Agreements are expressed in writing or verbally during very intentional conversations. Most of us have never learned how to craft effective, explicit agreements. It is a skill we were never taught, even though it is fundamental to all relationships and a basic life skill.

Ask yourself:

  • Are you a committed couple who is strengthening your bond and deepening your intimacy and trust day-by-day and year-by-year?
  • Are you engaging in meaningful family and work relationships and friendships, and asking for what you want, saying your real yes and your real no and hearing others who may be asking you for something?
  • Are you crafting agreements consciously and with intention?
  • Do you expect others to honor their agreements and commitments and do you intend to honor yours?

Whether you are a committed couple or an amazing singleton, as they call it in the UK, let’s educate ourselves about agreements, commitments, boundaries, conflict, and fidelity. Let’s start risking being our deepest most magnificent selves! Join me and let’s start today!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Secrets to Finding the Treasures Around You

Last week we explored the unique gifts, skills and talents that live inside of us. We made a list to help appreciate and honor the treasures we bring to the lives of others.

What treasures OUTSIDE you are you not recognizing, valuing and letting warm you down to the cockles of your heart?

Who and what is a part of your daily life that you take for granted or don’t notice or get pleasure from anymore? Or maybe haven’t ever!

What thoughts preoccupy you and exhaust you? What treasures outside of you can you become aware of to restore and re-energize yourself?

Who are the folks who are not your champions; who suck the very life and the joy out of you? Who are the treasures outside of you who might enrich and enliven your life?

I live in sunny California and the clear blue sky and the warmth of the sun on my face early in the morning when my best (four-legged) friend and I go for our walk are treasures to me. And I laugh at myself the 20 days a year it dares to be freezing cold (low 60’s) and cloudy and I’m complaining bitterly!

I was blessed to be a woman in my fifties when my beloved Grandmother, Dorothy, died at age 98. I was a devoted granddaughter and she was a treasure in my life. There were so many special and dear things about her. The two that stand out for me are (1) her warm, joyful demeanor no matter what was going on in our lives; and (2) the way she enjoyed me, no matter what I was saying or doing, or what caught my interest at the moment.

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It’s Time to Own the Treasures That Live Within You

When we think of treasures we generally think of expensive jewels, rare antiques or chests filled with gold coins sitting on the bottom of the ocean.

Would you be surprised to learn that there are a multitude of treasures all around you AND inside you?

Let’s explore the treasures INSIDE you first.

Each one of us has unique gifts, skills and talents that live inside of us. You are probably so busy in your life d-o-i-n-g one thing or another and attending to the needs of others, that you haven’t had any time to notice or honor your special gifts, skills and talents in a long time.

Grab a piece of paper and let’s make a list together right now!

If you were your best friend (and you should be, but that’s a topic for another issue) and I asked your best friend what characteristics or personality traits she or he liked, valued or appreciated the most about you, what would she or he say?

If today was your 90th birthday and 100 of your closest friends were gathered around you and toasting you, what would they be saying about you?

If your dog or cat (or bird, horse or…) could talk, what random acts of kindness or generosity from you would they tell me about?

I bet you touch others in your life in rich, meaningful ways and you don’t even realize it. Some people have razor-sharp insight that is invaluable to others and they take it for granted or dismiss it all together by saying, “Oh it’s nothing. That’s just what I do.”

Some people have a wonderful, easy sense of humor that, for many, is like being invited to curl up in a comfy, over-stuffed chair. Some people can fix anything; or throw gourmet meals together with literally nothing in the refrigerator or in the pantry (I have a friend like that and I so want to be her!); and others know just the right thing to say or the right questions to ask to make us feel really known and loved anyway.

Visit your list often and add to it when you realize a new treasure living inside you. Appreciate and honor what you bring to the lives of those around you.

Next week, we will explore the treasures that others bring to you.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Dr Jackie Black Newsletter


Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

Learn more at DrJackieBlack.com