Monthly Archives: February 2015

Stop! Your Boundary Hurts Me

Ask Dr. Jackie:
Sometimes in a relationship there is a sticky dynamic where one party tries to set a boundary that is comfortable for them, but it feels exclusionary to the other person. As if they are being shut out or exiled. This can feel painful for the person who feels shut out. And of course it feels totally dysfunctional for the person who is setting the boundary. I would wager that quite a few relationships run into unexpected trouble around this issue. What’s your perspective on how to handle this? How would you recommend that someone in a relationship set a boundary without hurting the person you love most?

 

Dr. Jackie Answers:
One of the most problematic dynamics in a relationship occurs if I need or want something that doesn’t match for you; or worse, that negatively impacts you in some way. Because you are not me and I am not you, there will be times in our relationship when we need or want different or divergent things. Couples should expect this.

The problem isn’t that this happens. The problem is that most couples don’t have the skills to work through these events when they occur.

Let’s take a step back for a moment and clarify two things:

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Stop Complaining and Start Celebrating Love

Relationships are like bank accounts. If you keep pulling money out without making deposits you will go bankrupt. What does the balance sheet of your love life look like?

You know, relationships are living breathing entities. Our investment of deliberate intention, and focused time, energy and attention is the order of the day. Your relationship can’t wait until it is convenient for you; or until you have finished everything on your to-do list; or until you are at leisure.

Being a successful Sweetheart and being a successful career person at the same time requires some serious intention, investment and commitment from both partners. Relationships grow and flourish when both people show up and make consistent deposits. One person alone, even if that one person makes huge deposits, cannot build and maintain a joyful, satisfying relationship for both of you.

Do you spend more time each week watching television or commuting to work than you do alone with your beloved? Or are you too busy to even have a beloved?

I think you’d agree that to keep that spark alive, you and your partner must spend quality, eyeball-to-eyeball time together.

Think back to when you first started dating. What did you do? What things did you both enjoy that you no longer make time to do?

Remind yourself and each other of all the reasons you fell in love.

Let your creative juices flow! Let your imagination go wild! Anything goes. This is the most important person in your life. Rejoice! Celebrate yourself and each other. Let this post-Valentine’s Day time be your good reason.

And if you haven’t met your special someone yet, the person who matches your values and makes your heart sing—remember, when you are actively engaged in the life that you love you more easily attract the love of your life!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

The REAL Gift For Valentine’s Day

It’s Valentine’s Day again! Let Valentine’s Day this year be the bell of awareness ringing in your ear, reminding you to carve out the time to connect with the one who stole your heart. Retailers and Madison Avenue would like us to all rush out and buy chocolate; flowers, mushy cards and teddy bears. But consider this instead:

  • If he takes Fido out for his 10:00 pm walk every night, why not offer to do it for him the next four or five nights.
  • If pulling the trash cans out to the street is his job, take the trash cans out for the next couple of weeks and give him a break.
  • Tell her that you are going to grab the kids and take them away on Saturday morning so she can have the house all to herself for several hours and then all meet up for lunch somewhere at noon.

You get the picture. Really focus in on the one you love and come up with the 4 most loving behaviors you can think of and make a gift of your time and energy.

Don’t miss the sweetness and the joy you will both experience by reaching out and connecting with each other from the center of your being and the bottom of your heart. That’s the real meaning of Valentine’s Day.

Make this Valentine’s Day the most personal Valentine’s Day yet!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

It’s Almost Valentine’s Day!

Is this a day you are looking forward to? Or dreading?

In my experience, women are more triggered by Valentine’s Day forgetfulness or inattention than men. So, in the spirit of averting a Valentine’s Day disaster in your relationship, this Tip is for the ladies!

Are you excited about showing your love and affection; and letting that special man in your life know how much he means to you?

Do you find yourself worrying that your Honey might forget to plan ahead and not send you flowers, buy Godiva Chocolate or that tennis bracelet you’ve been hinting you really want to have?

Check out your expectations about “being remembered” and the meaning you make related to certain behaviors.

For example:

  • He bought me beautiful flowers: He loves me. He is so thoughtful.
  • He gave me a very sweet card: He loves me so much and thinks I am special.
  • He sent me a card from the kids: He is so wonderful and I am so important to him.
  • He didn’t even go to the grocery store and buy flowers: He is so uncaring and unappreciative about everything I do.
  • He didn’t even get me a simple card: He’s so thoughtless and doesn’t appreciate me.

Heads up, ladies!

Valentine’s Day is not the designated day of the year that your partner is tasked with proving to you that he loves you and that you are special and the center of his world.

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Dr Jackie Black Newsletter


Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

Learn more at DrJackieBlack.com