Monthly Archives: March 2015

How to Receive an Apology

For most of us, it is equally difficult and uncomfortable to receive an apology as to offer an apology! Offering and receiving apologies is an art and requires learning a few simple skills and practicing those skills often.

Here Are 8 Easy Steps to Receiving an Apology:

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Remind yourself that the person who hurt you is not the enemy.

3. Remind yourself that the person who hurt you is a person you cherish and value and you know she or he wouldn’t hurt you for anything in the world.

4. Remind yourself that a very common response to telling someone that they hurt you is for them to get mad at you.

5. Keep breathing!

6. Now repeat after me

“I believe that she or he is sorry that what she or he said (or didn’t say) or what she or he did (or didn’t do) that made me feel like she or he doesn’t care about me.

I believe that it was not his or her intention to say or do anything that would upset me or cause me hurt.

I choose to take in my partner’s acknowledgement that something happened that hurt me.

I choose to allow this apology to begin to repair my hurt feelings.

I choose to allow this apology to soften my heart, calm my upset and cool my anger.

I choose to allow this apology to soothe the wound in my heart now.”

7. Then take another deep breath and be quiet.

8. Allow yourself to begin to be transformed by your knowing that you are loved, respected and valued. Allow the power of apology to start the healing process.

Take a few minutes now and review the last three “posts” about Apologies. These four “posts” represent the entire “Apology Process.”

Practice these skills and make it a priority to become an expert at offering, receiving, and accepting apologies. It will improve your relationships and the quality of your life beyond measure!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

How to Offer an Apology

For most of us, offering an apology feels awkward or uncomfortable.

For one thing, we don’t have a lot of practice. For another thing, the concept of apologizing is often associated with being “bad” or “wrong.”

Consider thinking about an apology as a behavior that says, “You matter to me. I am sorry for doing or saying something that has hurt your feelings or made YOU feel badly.”

There is nothing in that sentence of intention about YOU being “bad” or doing anything “wrong”!

Here Are 8 Easy Steps to Offering an Apology:

  1. Take a deep breath.
  1. Remind yourself that the person who is hurt is not the enemy.
  1. Remind yourself that the person who is hurt is a person you cherish
    and value and whom you wouldn’t hurt for anything in the world.
  1. Remind yourself that a very common response to someone telling us
    that they have been hurt by us is to get angry!
  1. Keep breathing!
  1. Now Repeat After Me…

 “I am sorry that what I said (or didn’t say) or what I did (or didn’t do) made you feel like I don’t care about you. It was not my intention to say or do anything that would upset you or cause you hurt. What can I do or say right now to repair the hurt in your heart? I care about you. It matters to me that you are hurt. I want to make the hurt better.”

  1. Take another deep breath and be quiet.
  1. Allow him or her time to let your words sink in and start to soothe the
    hurt; salve the wounded heart.

That’s all there is to it!

I invite you to practice this new skill often, in the privacy of your own safe space. Allow the words become more comfortable to say and the new behavior to become more familiar.

Then, make an apology to another person at the very next opportunity.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

When to Apologize

If your Honey is hurt or offended by something you said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t do, his or her upset is not an indictment of you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t even mean you did something bad or wrong. In fact, it may not mean anything at all about you.

It is definitely a message about your partner. And an apology is in order.

Please know that your partner’s hurt or upset is a message to you about him or her. The message is: What you did or said by commission or omission didn’t land right.

In committed relationships that are loving, mutually respectful and based on good will and good intention, it is important that both partners be alert as to how your words and actions affect and impact one another.

As a loving partner it matters to you if your partner’s feelings are hurt.

Defensiveness, shifting the blame, being disparaging, trying to make light of the hurt or offense is unkind and disrespectful. If you engage in any of that adolescent behavior, stop it!

Begin practicing the fine art of apologizing today! It is well worth the effort.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

What is an Apology?

It is highly likely that in the course of relationships with associates, friends, family members and your partner you will do or say something or not do or say something that will cause someone hurt.

Reacting to the words and actions of others is normal, natural and necessary when we are involved and invested in a relationship with another, regardless of the nature or structure of that relationship.

Your apology is an act of loving kindness and is an offering to repair the hurt. It does not speak directly to the perceived offense.

The very act of apologizing must be an integral part of all committed relationships regardless of the nature of the relationship.

It is not about not having one’s feelings hurt! It is about both partners offering and receiving apologies when a hurt or an offense is experienced and reported by one of them.

Apologies Do Not Necessarily Resolve Issues

Sometime after you and your partner have re-established the emotional status quo between you, schedule a time to sit down and problem solve whatever the content was of the event that was hurtful or upsetting.

Do not attempt to do this as long as one of you is feeling hurt or upset. Heal the hurt first.

Relationships have their own rhyme and rhythm. One essential skill to learn and use frequently is the art and act of apologizing and accepting an apology.

No one is perfect and no relationship is without its ups and downs. The art and the act of offering and receiving apologies is a skill well worth learning, practicing and using with each other often.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Illness–A Family’s Response

When a family member becomes ill, whether for a week, for a few months, or with a long-term or terminal illness, each individual has a reaction and the entire family unit has a reaction.

Frequently I am asked by family members and by those who are ill, how to talk to others in the family. Illness deeply affects everyone in the family in many ways.

“Role reorganization” is a healthy process that a family undergoes in response to the illness or death of one of its members. If we think about the family being a system for a moment, the entire system is thrown into disequilibria.

Roles and responsibilities must now be reassigned to re-establish the equilibrium, that is, to bring back balance and harmony to the family system and each individual.

Using each family’s values, beliefs, and ways of coping, they must re-evaluate and re-establish the rules, communication patterns, family expectations, and behavior patterns that will keep the family operating in a stable manner.

It is very useful for each person to talk about how the person’s illness is affecting him or her, and discuss the idea and necessity of role reorganization for their entire family. Everyone in the family must be included in all the conversations. No side or private conversations should occur until each person in the family is talking about the issues and working together to find mutually acceptable solutions.

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Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

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