Monthly Archives: July 2015

Understanding and Resolving Conflict

Conflict is inevitable and a normal part of life. Healthy conflict can lead to positive changes in personal relationships. Negative conflict can be very destructive and can sap energy from everyone around.

Causes of Conflict

Searching for the causes can be helpful in resolving the conflict. Here are some common causes to be aware of:

  • Misunderstandings
  • Personality clashes
  • Differences in values or goals
  • Unclear responsibilities
  • Needs or wants are not being met
  • Values are being challenged
  • Boundaries are being violated
  • Perceptions are being questioned
  • Assumptions are being made
  • Perceived lack of resources
  • Dissatisfaction or disappointment
  • Change of any kind
  • Awareness or knowledge is minimal
  • Expectations are too high/too low

Conflict Can Be Constructive

While it is true that most of us are not particularly comfortable with conflict, it can be a positive and productive way to achieve desirable outcomes:

  • Clarify important problems and issues
  • Achieve solutions to problems together
  • Resolve mutually important issues
  • Find your authentic voice and tell your personal truth
  • Ease emotions and stress when you experience one of the common causes of conflicts
  • Build cooperation between you and another person when you reveal more about yourself and make it your priority to really hear the other person
  • Increase your awareness about yourself and another person
  • Develop deeper understanding, empathy and communication skills

Don’t be afraid of conflict that may arise in your relationships. Learn the all-important skills to resolve conflict respectively and constructively. Create the love relationship, family relationships and business relationships that match your emotional intelligence and maturity.

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How Do You Set Boundaries?

Let me say first, setting boundaries is not disrespectful, bad or wrong. In fact, emotionally healthy people set personal boundaries.

Educate people in your life about your boundaries. Calmly and respectfully inform them about how they can and cannot behave around you. Let people know what you want and don’t want, what you like and don’t like.

Let people know what your limits are. This actually gives people in your life the security of knowing your relationship guidelines and eliminates their fears about how they should behave with you.

Just a note to point out that the failure or inability to set boundaries may result in several unfortunate circumstances:

  • Inability or unwillingness to set limits results in no protection for yourself.
  • Building walls to protect yourself actually blocks closeness and prevents loving and unloving interactions.
  • Confusion or ambivalence about setting boundaries results in partial protection.
  • Building walls or inadequate boundaries blocks all interactions and results in no protection.
  • Be a person who knows that you have a right to control distance, touching and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with you.
  • You have a right to control your response to what others say, do, or expect of you, and they have the same right.
  • You think your own thoughts and make your own choices. You must choose to do or not to do that which is in your own best interest or in response to your experiences. Others have the same right.
  • If you offend or affront another person, you are responsible for the impact of your action and should make amends. If someone offends or affronts you, she or he is responsible for the impact of his or her action and should make amends.

Setting and maintaining your own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned.

It takes mindfulness, intention and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills. It is worth it–And so are you!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!


Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC ~

Stay inspired and in the know by subscribing to the RSS
feed for Dr. Jackie’s weekly podcast, “Just Between Us”

Why Are Boundaries Important?

If your life is filled with discord and you don’t feel that others respect you, it’s time to set your boundaries.

Each of us experiences our reality in four ways:

Body – what we look like
Thinking – how we give meaning to incoming data
Feelings – our emotional response
Behavior – what we do or don’t do

Intact boundaries give measured protection to your body, thinking, feelings and behaviors as you evaluate and assess the words and actions of other people in your life.

You filter your experiences through your cognitive mind and your feelings. Through the use of your boundaries you determine which words and actions you will accept and which you will block when they are unacceptable.

We set boundaries to protect our body, thinking, feelings and behavior.

This week give some thought to how well you set and maintain your own boundaries and honor the boundaries of others.

What are your boundaries?

Where do you draw the line?

How do you react when someone sets a boundary on you?

To find out, think of instances in the past few weeks or months when you felt intense emotion in response to something someone did or said to you.

Do you tend to give in?

Do you act against yourself or allow others to do things against your wishes?

Do you tolerate unacceptable conditions?

What did your family teach you about boundaries?

Do you have difficulty saying no or hearing no said to you?

The person who has hurt you says, “I’m sorry,” but what does the behavior say to you?


Remember, only YOU can make it happen!


Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC ~

Stay inspired and in the know by subscribing to the RSS
feed for Dr. Jackie’s weekly podcast, “Just Between Us”

What Are Boundaries and How Do they Work?

If your life is filled with more of what you don’t want and not enough of what you do want, it’s time to set your boundaries.

Boundaries define a person’s sense of self (i.e., who he or she is as an individual). Setting boundaries makes others feel safe around you and allows you to feel safe in your environment. It is a way to exhibit self-respect, thereby increasing the respect shown to you by others.


Help other people know how to treat you.

Define your sense of self.

Delineate how much you have to give of time, money or energy.

Are dividing lines between you and everyone else that represents both physical and emotional limits others may not violate.

Separate your needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings from others.

Setting and keeping your boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are among the most challenging and confusing behaviors in relationships.

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Dr Jackie Black Newsletter

Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

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