Monthly Archives: September 2015

Old Rules Don’t Work Anymore!

We have powerful desires to belong and to connect with a special someone.

In the U.S. we inherited a model for marriage and relationships that has remained largely unchanged for over 50 years. That traditional model was never intended to integrate our individual needs with the needs of the partnership. The traditional way promised physical and financial security, a sense of belonging, continuity and comfort. The old model has been deeply ingrained in all of us by watching our parents and grandparents.

The old rules don’t work anymore! We cannot continue to depend on traditional, deeply ingrained beliefs, expectations and assumptions about relationships. We need to stop building the most important relationships of our lives on outdated beliefs, destructive myths, unrealistic expectations, faulty assumptions and un-negotiated roles and responsibilities.

Modern partners are concerned with:

  • Living their vision
  • Love of self
  • Deepening emotional intimacy
  • Having shared values
  • Commitment to living in authenticity
  • Willingness to honor the fires of passion that burn inside

Couples are demanding more intimacy and insisting on supporting each other to live their best “individual” life. At the same time, contemporary partners are committed to co-creating deeply meaningful relationships that provide: Continue reading

Why Argue? Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

A minor disagreement can get out of hand very quickly or a simple conversation can suddenly turn into a shouting match.

Why?

Because your fear of being abandoned, or disappointing your partner makes itself the primary consideration in the conversation.

Hearing another person’s opinion or point of view can trigger the feeling of being invalidated, and for many people, it’s a signal that ridicule, criticism or judgment is on the way!

Good communication is telling your truth about YOU to others and being congruent—within yourself.

Being congruent is a process in which you value yourself; you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, and your resources and choices; honor and express your deepest knowing about yourself and be sure that what you say and how you say it match what you are feeling.

There are three major reasons that men and women don’t communicate effectively.

First and foremost, most people do not identify their feelings accurately.

Secondly, it is very difficult for most people to find the right words to express how they feel.

Lastly, if they do know how they feel and if they have a few words to accurately express how they feel, most lack the courage to let anybody know.

Does this sound like you or others you know? Identifying your feelings, finding the right words to express your feelings and mustering the courage to actually express your feelings to another person really isn’t so complicated.

Don’t avoid saying what is in your heart or on your mind to say.

Don’t hide your worries because you don’t want your partner to know that you are not in control.

Don’t hide your hopes and dreams because you are afraid no one will share your excitement.

When you stay emotionally intelligent and emotionally available the lines of communication stay open. Create a safe and supportive place to tell each other the truth mindfully, responsibly and respectfully and always remember that the foundation of your relationship is built on good will and good intention.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com

Stay inspired and in the know by subscribing to the RSS
feed for Dr. Jackie’s weekly podcast, “Just Between Us”

 

Living A Life in Alignment

We create our life and our love life through our beliefs, intentions, and the actions we take in the world.

Every one of us has an inner guidance system that drives us and guides our choice-making whether we are aware of it or not. Our system includes:

  • A “vision” of what we want our life to be
  • Values that are the structure of our life
  • A “life purpose” that is our reason for being

A love relationship is most fulfilling and satisfying when it is in alignment with our vision, values and life purpose.

When you think of your “vision,” think of your personal world of family and friends, your community, work and colleagues…everything in the world that touches you in some way every day and how you want that to be.

Consider that to value something is to esteem it to be of worth. Your values drive your choices and actions. Your values are who you are, what you do, and how you express yourself. When you live through your values, you make decisions and choices that honor those values without regard for your desires, thoughts or fears, and your life has meaning.

Each one of us has a unique purpose. We create meaningful work and a fulfilling life when we live on purpose. When our “life purpose” is clear it guides our choices and helps us know where we are headed.

When we live from our being we live a life in alignment with our vision, values and life purpose. When we live from our being we can genuinely love and be loved by another; to know a love that grows out of choice. Real love with our partner-in-life allows us to experience being loved by someone who chooses to love us, who sees in us something worth loving.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com

Stay inspired and in the know by subscribing to the RSS
feed for Dr. Jackie’s weekly podcast, “Just Between Us”

A BIG Message about Love Relationships in a Few Select Words

Your life will not be “better” if you are married or in a committed relationship. We take ourselves with us wherever we go…especially into love relationships.

A successful, committed relationship depends upon being ready:

  • physically
  • emotionally
  • financially
  • legally
  • spiritually

for the life and relationship that you want. Get your personal work done!

Be sure you…

  • Take time on a regular basis to clarify your personal Vision, Requirements, Needs and Wants.
  • Spend all the time it takes to answer the questions: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want? Bringing new knowing into an established relationship can increase your energy, vitality and enthusiasm for your partner and your relationship. There is no replacement for Self-knowledge.
  • Take time on a regular basis to review your partner’s values, style and temperament, attitudes and personality traits—even if you have been married for years. Bringing new knowing into an established relationship can breathe new life into your marriage. There is no replacement for Partner-knowledge.
  • Focus on learning, practicing and mastering the Essential Relationship Success Skills.

Be as ready as you can be to be your BEST and most brilliant, passionate Self in the presence of your partner. Live the life and the love life that affirms and esteems you, your partner and your marriage.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com

Stay inspired and in the know by subscribing to the RSS
feed for Dr. Jackie’s weekly podcast, “Just Between Us”

 

Say Goodbye as Soon as You Know

How many people do you know who can not tell someone they are dating that they do not want to see them any more?

How many couples do you know who continue to date, are not making a commitment and one or both of them are miserable being together?

Why do you suppose that intelligent, capable and otherwise successful men and women do not tell the truth when they no longer want to spend time together and build a life with another person?

Men and women from the U.S. and Canada to the U.K. to Australia and New Zealand tell me the very same thing:

  • I can’t tell him that I don’t want to be with him anymore…it sounds so mean
  • I don’t want to hurt her feelings
  • I can’t just reject him, he’s such a nice guy
  • She won’t understand…she’ll be so upset and she’s very sweet
  • People say I’m being too picky…that I am actually very lucky to be dating such a wonderful…

Please remember you are dating. Dating is a process. You are dating to find your ideal match. Recognizing that the men and women you are dating are not a match for you is the point of the process.

It is highly likely that you will date a number of people who will not be your ideal match before you and the love of your life find each other. As soon as you recognize that your date is not your ideal match, stop the dating process.

You will not be the ideal match for the overwhelming majority of people who date you! When men or women you date recognize that you are not a match for them, they will (hopefully) stop the dating process…they will stop dating you.

There is no “rejecting” or “rejection” going on here. No one is being mean or hurting the feelings of others when one stops dating someone who is not the ideal match. Mindful adults are making mindful decisions with volition and intention about the “who” and the “how” of the rest of their lives. It is as simple as that.

Go out, keep dating and don’t settle or accept good enough. Your ideal love is a very special man or woman who will not be interchangeable with anyone else.

Trust that it can be fabulous; that you can have what you want!

Say goodbye as soon as you know what you know, deep in the place where you know it!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

 

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com

Stay inspired and in the know by subscribing to the RSS
feed for Dr. Jackie’s weekly podcast, “Just Between Us”

Dr Jackie Black Newsletter


Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

Learn more at DrJackieBlack.com