Monthly Archives: May 2016

The End of a Relationship Can Be a Terrible Loss

Breaking up, getting divorced and the death of your partner are among the biggest loss events in life.

There are three important things to remember:

  1. Grief is the reaction to a loss event
  2. Grieving is the normal, natural, and necessary process that restores us to wholeness
  3. Grieving is a wholly feeling experience

Grieving is as unique as your fingerprints. No two people will react to the same loss event in the same way and no two people will grieve the same way.

The cognitive or thinking part of self is not the grieving part of self. Think of your personal energy as being 100%. In a perfect world, 50% of your personal energy is your outside self and 50% of your personal energy is your inside self.

The job of the outside self is to think, assess, evaluate, make decisions, go to work, pay your bills, read the paper, plan for your future, remember to send your mother a birthday card; behaviors that occur outside of you.

The job of the inside self is to feel your feelings, be creative, intuitive, inspired, insightful, spiritual, intimate, passionate, joyful, compassionate; experiences that occur inside you.

If you fall down and injure your leg, the blood supply leaves parts of your body and goes to the injured leg to help it heal. You will respect the injury, modify your physical activity, not stress or otherwise re-injure the injured leg, and allow it time to heal.

Similarly, it is correct to think about the injury to your emotions as an emotional rupture. Your normal, natural, and necessary emotional response to an emotional rupture includes shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sheer terror, and many other feelings and physical body responses.

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What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving

What do you say to someone whose life comes crashing down around him or her; whose life, as they knew it, is forever and profoundly changed?

The first thing to really recognize is that when someone experiences the death of a loved one, the loss is so pervasive, the pain so excruciating, that there are no words that will be particularly helpful or meaningful to hear.

You see, grieving is a wholly feeling experience. The intellectual recognition that someone has died is present inside us immediately, and is very different from the emotional recognition that someone has died; really getting that you will never see his face again; never hear her voice again; never be able to throw your arms around each other and share a bear hug.

The emotional recognition is a normal, natural and necessary process we call grieving.

Recognize that people who are grieving the loss of a loved one – even the death of an elderly person who had a good life and whose death was expected – are experiencing something that is incomprehensible. Inexplicable. Unimaginable. Inconsolable.

And in fact, sometimes people say the most stupid things to people who are grieving – even with the best of intentions.

Don’t Say This to a Grieving Person Continue reading

Build Your Relationship on a Sturdy Foundation

We all have a need for a certain amount of stability in our lives. You’ll find that you have four cornerstones that are the foundation on which your life is grounded. These are:

1.  Your needs and values—the external and internal structures of your life

2.  Your vision—what you want your life to be

3.  Your life purpose—your reason for being

4.  Your mission—the daily choices and behaviors that put into action living on purpose with vision driven by needs and values

These form the basis of your Inner life. Right now, you may not be clear on what some of these are; but they are all there in your subconscious, and help you to make decisions that are right for you.

In my worldview, it is essential to work on these four, so you can be certain you are engaging in your life and your love life with integrity and accurate information and with full awareness about yourself.

Let me explain. Continue reading

Tips for Enlightened Blended Families

Would you be surprised if I told you…

  • One of three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a blended family.
  • More than half of Americans today have been, are now or will eventually be in one or more step situations during their lives.

You became a blended family because one of you made a decision based on the belief that you could “do this” and that “this will be worth it to be with my Honey!” Those are powerful reasons that deserve your time, attention and energy.

The imperative in front of you is to create a family structure that is a safe and loving place for everyone to grow and be their best self; model respectful, thoughtful, value-driven choices and behavior; and live your best and most passionate life.

Across the pond and around the world, blended families are the most challenging family constellation—for stepparents and for stepchildren!

Dr. Jackie’s Top 15 Tips for Enlightened Blended Families

1.   Don’t try to fit a preconceived role. Be yourself.

2.   Accept that stepfamily members don’t have to love each other, especially right away. You all must behave respectfully toward each other.

3.   Parent with the *End* in mind. Value-driven parenting will help you stay mindful of EVERYBODY’S legitimate needs and avoid power struggles.

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Touched by The Heart of A Woman

Mothers have been recognized in special ways for thousands of years, since Ancient Greece.

The month of May is the month that people in many parts of the world specifically celebrate Mothers.

As a tribute to women all across the globe, I am re-printing this wonderful and heart-warming poem written by Bonnie Ross-Parker. Ms. Ross-Parker’s contact information is at the end of this poem if you wish to contact her directly.

“The heart of a woman is as big as life. She initiates conversations with strangers in the bathroom. She recommends the perfect place to find the perfect dress to a woman she meets at the beauty salon. She clips coupons to send to her daughter-in-law. She smiles when she would rather scream, cries when she is happy, and often says “yes” when she means “no.”

A woman keeps the refrigerator full just in case someone stops by unexpectedly. A woman fights for what she believes in by supporting community endeavors with both time and money. She listens to friends, helps with homework, and gives unconditional loves.

Women cry over their children’s accomplishments, during a romantic movie, while reading sentimental cards at a card shop or when opening a special present. Women openly express happiness when hearing about the birth of a baby, an engagement, or a marriage. Women share their emotions from their heart.

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Dr Jackie Black Newsletter

Hello. I am Dr. Jackie Black, your Couples in Trouble Expert. Since 1999, I have guided many formerly frustrated and desperately unhappy Couples in Trouble to happiness, closeness and having more fun together than they ever imagined. My years of experience combined with your commitment to your personal growth will enable you to welcome the results you have always wanted and never believed were possible in your marriage.

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