Most of our needs and values are acquired as we grow up and reflect those of the people closest to us during that period. At some later time in life, mature, emotionally intelligent men and women start unwrapping the beliefs, attitudes and values that were held by their families and passed on to them as if they were the ultimate truth!

When you form a relationship, the compatibility of your needs and values will contribute to the strength of that relationship. So taking the time to sort out what your needs and values are from those passed down to you is essential work to do before you jump head first into that daunting process we call dating or wonder where to go to meet Mr. I hope you are the right one this time!

So let’s be clear: We all have needs, and our needs are legitimate. The problem, though, is that many of us may confuse the concept of neediness, something very different, with having real and legitimate needs that can be reasonably met!

Discover your needs

Here are a few things to think about that might help you to understand the concept of personal needs and values from another viewpoint. You might find it helpful to take a sheet of paper and pencil out and jot down your responses to a few questions:

Do you have a need for… Intimacy? Achievement? Results? Companionship?

Consider your own needs for a moment… do you know what your needs are? Remember, this is something you are doing for yourself, so be honest! Make a list right now of at least 10 needs. Don’t judge them or yourself. Just write a list, very spontaneously, without over thinking or over analyzing anything.

When a need gets met you will likely feel soothed, glad, relieved, excited, accepted, loved, understood, valued or energized. When a need is not met you will very likely feel upset, angry, disappointed, frustrated, alienated or rejected.

Consider these four questions directly related to your needs:

1. Can you think of a need (or two) that is being met right now or that has been met in the past?
2. How do you feel when a need of yours gets met? Can you recall how you felt when one of your needs was not met?
3. Did you notice that your needs are requirements of something or someone to change, or be different, better or more?
4. Did you notice any concerns or beliefs that there isn’t anyone in your life who is able or willing to meet your needs? Think about what you noticed and how it made you feel.

If you have trouble identifying your needs, it is an indication you may not even be aware of your needs. You may not believe that it is okay for you to have any needs. You may be ashamed of having needs and sometimes even not allow yourself to have needs. Or you may have denied that you have needs for so long that a part of you isn’t letting you know.

Whatever your “good” reason, don’t worry, I can assure you that identifying your needs, becoming aware of how your needs can be met and having them met, is a very do-able process!

Would you be surprised to hear that when you have a legitimate need that you cannot meet yourself it is perfectly acceptable and in fact necessary, to ask others to support you in meeting that need? That’s right! We cannot meet all of our own needs. Men and women are not islands unto themselves; we are not totally or completely self-sufficient and self-reliant; AND we are NOT supposed to be.

The word we use to describe the healthy relationship structure that includes asking others to make a change so one of our needs can be met is interdependence. A relationship built on the concept of interdependence is one in which both partners are aware of their own needs; honor their own needs; honor their partner’s needs and hold a value for meeting their own needs when appropriate and asking their partner to change something so their need can be met too.

You may have needs that you haven’t acknowledged; like needing more order in your home or needing someone to let you know when he or she is going to be late. Can you meet that need yourself? No. You cannot. These are two good examples of legitimate needs that require someone else change something so that your (legitimate) need can be met.

Sometimes you can meet your own need—but other times you need someone else to change something so your need can be met.

Once you have identified that it is up to another person, you’ll need to ask that person to make that change. This isn’t always easy—especially if you think that the other person may be resistant to making that change; or may think you are controlling or over-bearing even thinking to ask them to make a change.

By living an authentic and fulfilled life you identify and honor your needs. Honoring your needs means you respect them and ensure that they are met. As I said earlier, you’ll find that you can meet some of your needs yourself; however, you cannot necessarily meet all of them. Some of your needs can, and must, be met by others. This means that you must have people around you who are able to meet your needs and whom you trust to do just that.

Do you compromise your values? Next week, find out what happens when you do.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

The month of May is the month that people in many parts of the world specifically celebrate Mothers.

As a tribute to women all across the globe, I am re-printing this wonderful and heart-warming poem written by Bonnie Ross-Parker. Ms. Ross-Parker’s contact information is at the end of this poem if you wish to contact her directly.

“The heart of a woman is as big as life.  She initiates conversations with strangers in the bathroom. She recommends the perfect place to find the perfect dress to a woman she meets at the beauty salon.  She clips coupons to send to her daughter-in-law.  She smiles when she would rather scream, cries when she is happy, and often says “yes” when she means “no.”

A woman keeps the refrigerator full just in case someone stops by unexpectedly.  A woman fights for what she believes in by supporting community endeavors with both time and money.  She listens to friends, helps with homework, and gives unconditional loves.

Women cry over their children’s accomplishments, during a romantic movie, while reading sentimental cards at a card shop or when opening a special present.  Women openly express happiness when hearing about the birth of a baby, an engagement, or a marriage.  Women share their emotions from their heart.

Women remain strong even when they think they have no strength left.  They comfort loved ones in mourning, visit friends and family who are ill, and offer hugs and kisses to soothe broken hearts.  Simply put, women connect!  They write letters, make phone calls, send e-mails and stay in touch.  Women care!

Women are present wherever and whenever they are needed.  They intuitively know where to offer their love and support.  Women do more than give birth.  Where a woman is there exists joy and hope.  She brings compassion and companionship. She gives moral support.  She acknowledges.  She reassures.  Women are mothers, daughters, wives, lovers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers.  They give, they guide, and stay grounded. They are amazing not only for what they accomplish, but for the values they impart.  Women earn our respect every day not only because of what they do, but because of who they are.

When you are touched by the heart of a woman, and realize how wonderful she is, be sure to let her know.”

To Celebrate and Honor All Moms around the world this month, the dedicated team at DrJackieBlack,com would like to take this opportunity to say…

Je t’aime, Maman!
Te amo, Màma!
Ich liebe dich, Mutter!
S’ayapo, Màna!
Ya tyebya lyublyu, Mat’!
Ti amo, Madre!
Ani ohevet otach, Ima!
I love you, Mom

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Re-printed with permission from Bonnie Ross-Parker:
web site: http://www.bonnierossparker.com
email: bootgirl@bonnierossparker.com.

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

What treasures OUTSIDE you are you not recognizing, valuing and letting warm you down to the cockles of your heart?

Who and what is a part of your daily life that you take for granted or don’t notice or get pleasure from anymore?  Or maybe haven’t ever!

What thoughts preoccupy you and exhaust you?  What treasures outside of you can you become aware of to restore and re-energize yourself?

Who are the folks who are not your champions; who suck the very life and the joy out of you? Who are the treasures outside of you who might enrich and enliven your life?

I live in sunny California and the clear blue sky and the warmth of the sun on my face early in the morning when my best (four-legged) friend and I go for our walk are treasures to me.  And I laugh at myself the 20 days a year it dares to be freezing cold (low 60’s) and cloudy and I’m complaining bitterly!

I was blessed to be a woman in my fifties when my beloved Grandmother, Dorothy, died at age 98. I was a devoted granddaughter and she was a treasure in my life.  There were so many special and dear things about her.  The two that stand out for me are (1) her warm, joyful demeanor no matter what was going on in our lives; and (2) the way she enjoyed me, no matter what I was saying or doing, or what caught my interest at the moment.

Make no mistake; my Grandmother wasn’t a pushover.  She was bright, articulate, elegant, well-read and insightful.  She had high expectations; was adamant and rigid about many things; and she was as stubborn as the day was long.  But rigidity and stubbornness were never the traits I focused on or remember first about her.

When I was growing up she would come into my bedroom in the morning singing sweetly… la-la-la-la-la …throw open the curtains to let in the morning sun and bend over and kiss my forehead.

Throughout my life she really got who I was.  She was not always adoring and approving to say the least; but she was always loving and receptive.

I was the first one (actually the only one now that I think about it) to move away; and not just move away, but move to California!  I was the only one to be divorced.  I was the first woman in my family to earn a graduate degree.  I am the only person in my family who meditates, has acupuncture, questions the Western Medical Model, and challenges doctors.

So, this apple fell pretty far away from the mid-western tree!  And my sweet Grandmother opened her heart and stretched her mind for over a half a century and she used to say to me, “If you think this or if you are doing that, I will think about it and try to understand, even if I think it’s nutty!”

I have my Grandmother’s small lead crystal heart with a long silver pen sticking out of it placed prominently on my desk.  And I grab that pen whenever I write a note, or answer the phone and think I might need to write a note. That old lead crystal penholder with the extra long, silver pen is a treasure to me to be sure!

Who are you to the two and four-legged people in your life? Who are you to those in your extended family? Who are you in the greater community?

Who do YOU touch in some way, just by being who you are?

Who are you willing to invite in, and allow to touch you?

And what part of your outside, existential life is a rare treasure ready and waiting to touch your heart and make your spirit sing?

I invite you to commit to taking some time this month to dig down deep and explore your gifts, skills and talents that reside INSIDE you; and become aware of the treasures that await you OUTSIDE you

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Related articles

• It’s Time to Own the Treasures That Live Within You (askdrjackie.com)

Would you be surprised to learn that there are a multitude of treasures all around you AND inside you?

Let’s explore the treasures INSIDE you first.

Each one of us has unique gifts, skills and talents that live inside of us.  You are probably so busy in your life d-o-i-n-g one thing or another and attending to the needs of others, that you haven’t had any time to notice or honor your special gifts, skills and talents in a long time.

Grab a piece of paper and let’s make a list together right now!

If you were your best friend (and you should be, but that’s a topic for another issue) and I asked your best friend what characteristics or personality traits she or he liked, valued or appreciated the most about you, what would she or he say?

If today was your 90^th birthday and 100 of your closest friends were gathered around you and toasting you, what would they be saying about you?

If your dog or cat (or bird, horse or…) could talk, what random acts of kindness or generosity from you would they tell me about?

I bet you touch others in your life in rich, meaningful ways and you don’t even realize it.  Some people have razor-sharp insight that is invaluable to others and they take it for granted or dismiss it all together by saying, “Oh it’s nothing.  That’s just what I do.”

Some people have a wonderful, easy sense of humor that, for many, is like being invited to curl up in a comfy, over-stuffed chair.  Some people can fix anything; or throw gourmet meals together with literally nothing in the refrigerator or in the pantry (I have a friend like that and I so want to be her!); and others know just the right thing to say or the right questions to ask to make us feel really known and loved anyway.

Visit your list often and add to it when you realize a new treasure living inside you. Appreciate and honor what you bring to the lives of those around you.

Next week, we will explore the treasures that others bring to you

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

The benefit of developing and writing down your life purpose statement is to inspire you.  Your life purpose statement is the expression of what you want to be and what you want to do in your life; your unique capacity to contribute in the mental, spiritual, physical and social areas of your life.

Ask yourself these questions.  Listen with your ears, heart, mind and your whole body to the answers:

• Why are you here?
• What are you meant to do?
• What do you deeply enjoy doing?
• What have been your happiest moments in life?
• Why were they happy?
• Where would you like to spend most of your time?
• What is innate and inherent to you?
• If you had unlimited time and resources and you could do anything without restrictions, what would it be?
• Do you have a dream or a deep desire that you keep putting on the back burner? What talents do you have that others don’t know about?
• What can you do best that would be of worth to others?
• Who are you to other people?
• What would two or three people in your life say about you?
• What purpose do they see you fulfilling in their lives?
• What is it that so many people rely on you for?
• Who have you been for people?

Just sit quietly for a few minutes letting these images flow in and out of your mind, observing any sensations you may be feeling in your body, sounds you may be hearing or thoughts you may be thinking.

As soon as you can, spend some time writing down the answers to these questions.  Answer each question in at least several sentences.  Then go back and underline the key words from each sentence and put all of the underlined words on a separate page.

Are there any themes or associations you can make?  Are there natural categories that emerged?

Now you’re ready to build your “life purpose statement” from these words and phrases!

When we live from our being we live a life in alignment with our vision, values and life purpose. When we live from our being we can genuinely live our best life and love life; and be loved by another.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Every one of us has an inner guidance system that drives us and guides our choice making whether we are aware of it or not. Our system includes:

• Vision
• Life-purpose
• Mission
• Needs/Values

Our life is most fulfilling and satisfying when we are in alignment with our vision and life-purpose; driven by values; on a mission. When we live from our being, we live a life in alignment with our vision, life purpose, needs/values.

What so many people forget is that lasting happiness, peace of mind, deep and joyful love, abundance, physical and emotional health are created primarily through who you are being rather than what you are doing or having.

Let’s look at each of these separate yet inter-related parts of the four corners of our inner life:

1.  Our Vision statement is our one or two sentence concept of the world we want to live in and be a part of; what we want our life to be.

When you think of your “vision”, think of your personal world of family and friends, your community, work and colleagues…everything in the world that touches you in some way every day and how you want that to be.

2.  Our Life Purpose statement is a one or a two sentence concept that defines OUR part—or THE intentions and actions that we take to create the type of world we want to live in—our reason for being.

Each one of us has a unique purpose.  We create meaningful work and a fulfilling life when we live on purpose.  When our “life purpose” is clear it guides our choices and helps us know where we are headed.  Life purpose is the big why, the ultimate reason for living and fills our life with meaning.

3.  Our Mission statement is the map or the plan that we use to carry out our purpose.

Our map or our plan is an essential element that provides the specifics; the HOW to implement that plan in our personal and professional life; the daily choices and behaviors that put into action living on purpose with vision driven by needs and values

4.  Needs/Values: the external and internal structures of our life.

Consider that to value something is to esteem it to be of worth.  Your values drive your choices and actions.  Your values are who you are, what you do, and how you express yourself.  When you live through your values, you make decisions and choices that honor those values without regard for your desires, thoughts or fears, and your life has meaning.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

I couldn’t resist posting this YouTube video for you today! One of my colleagues sent it to me recently with a note that read:  “Isn’t it grand that some people know you are NEVER too old for love?”

The title of this video is 100-Year-Old Bride!

The video is Dana Jackson’s 100^th birthday celebration (February 06, 2012) which is also her wedding day–that’s right! She married Bill Strauss, 87, at the Rosewood Health Care Center in Bowling Green, Kentucky.

At first glance one could be judgmental, raise an eyebrow or have a disparaging thought about the content in this video. But on further reflection, I hope you agree with me that the message in this short video is life affirming and self-esteeming.

What do you think?

Please comment on this Blog post. I would love to have your thoughts!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Being congruent is a process in which you value yourself; you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, and your resources and choices; honor and express your deepest knowing about yourself and be sure that what you say and how you say it match what you are feeling.

There are three good reasons that you and your partner might not always communicate effectively with each other.

First, most people don’t identify their feelings accurately.

Secondly, it is very difficult for most people to find the right words to express how they feel.

Lastly, if they do know how they feel and if they have a few words to accurately express how they feel, most lack the courage to let anybody know.

Does this sound like you or your partner? Identifying your feelings, finding the right words to express your feelings and mustering the courage to actually express your feelings to him really isn’t so complicated.

Don’t avoid saying what is in your heart or on your mind to say. Say it! It will go a long way to deepen your intimacy!

Don’t hide your worries because you don’t want him to know that you are not in control. Share them! Watch the intimacy between you soar!

Don’t dismiss your hopes and dreams because you are afraid he won’t share your excitement. Honor them! Allow him in, and experience the intimacy between you intensify!

When you stay emotionally available and present, the intimacy you are building will deepen, and get richer and better. Create a safe and supportive place to tell each other the truth mindfully, responsibly and respectfully and always remember that the foundation of your relationship is built on good will and good intention.

So be intentional. Be certain that your deliberate choice and deliberate action send the unmistakable message that you are happy to be with your partner and that your life is better and richer with her or him than it could ever be alone. Take the time to truly develop, take care of and preserve the intimacy of your relationship, learn to roll with the ups and downs and you will enjoy the warmth and tenderness of the relationship you want and deserve.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Related articles

• Don’t Ever Be Too Busy To Create Intimacy With HIM! (askdrjackie.com)

Creating, nurturing and maintaining intimacy in long-term, committed relationships is the toughest and the most worthwhile undertaking one can accomplish.

It requires intention, deliberate choice and deliberate action. Nothing about creating intimacy and truly being intimate with another person is unconscious. Closeness is enhanced through purposeful sensitivity, tenderness and respect for each other.

Intimacy is the result of celebrating each other; celebrating each other’s presence and celebrating being in each other’s presence!

• Be appreciative
• Offer acknowledgment
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
• Be the most ardent cheerleader
• Be an enthusiastic supporter
• Applaud your partner’s efforts
• Extol his or her virtues
• Be generous of spirit and open-hearted
• Always remember to be encouraging

Sometimes the most loving couples have minor disagreements that can get out of hand very quickly or a simple conversation can suddenly turn into a shouting match.

Don’t let this normal and natural dynamic in your relationship derail the intimacy you are intentionally building.

Understand that this happens because your fear of being abandoned, or disappointing your partner makes itself the primary consideration in the conversation, especially when you are intentional about creating intimacy.

Hearing his opinion or point of view can trigger your feeling of being invalidated, and for many people, it’s a signal that ridicule, criticism or judgment is on the way!

Good communication is telling your truth about YOU and being congruent—within yourself.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC
www.DrJackieBlack.com ~ DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com
Scan the QR Code and download your Free MYMARRIAGECOACH App

Join Dr. Jackie and five other Relationship Experts
for a FREE Intensive Online Weekend Retreat
on March 16-18, 2012

Dr. Dee Adio-Moses, founder of the Better Than Ever at Dating and Relationship Teleseminar Series, will host the Retreat and interview each expert on one aspect of creating a healthy, fulfilling love relationship for women of all ages.

Program details and registration for this powerful free weekend experience can be found at: http://www.betterthaneveratdatingandrelationship.com.

“Clear your calendar Friday March 16th through Sunday the 18th and focus on yourself for once. We are doing this for you and that is why it is free. Simply attend via your phone or computer and allow our first-class experts to show you all you need to know and do. I promise, this weekend will rekindle your empowerment so you can date more confidently and take the right steps in finding and keeping the relationship partner for you.”
~ Dr. Dee Adio-Moses

Don’t miss this amazing opportunity! Read all about the Weekend here: http://www.betterthaneveratdatingandrelationship.com.  Register now—the Retreat is FREE, plus you will receive four valuable bonus gifts—transform your relationship life and your world will change.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!