Breaking out means creating breakthroughs!

Breakthroughs are the result of focused thinking, deliberate intention, and taking action.

Before we break out of the limits and structures that don’t match our best and most brilliant and passionate Self, we have to understand what the alternatives are and how to achieve them.

Let’s examine the “how-to” so you can break out of limiting thinking and limiting beliefs; turn your thoughts into action; and generate your break through!

There are Four Basic Principles:

1. Thought Precedes Feeling
2. You Can Change Your Thoughts
3. Values Drive Behavior
4. Whatever shows up in your life is exactly what you are inviting in

THOUGHT is the lightest, quickest form of energy. Any changes in your thoughts cause a whole series of other changes; and those other changes have the power to affect many dynamics and energies inside you and outside you.

You are always in charge:

1. You can change your mood
2. You can change your thoughts
3. You can achieve a particular desired outcome
4. You can change your life

Thoughts alone are not enough to make things happen. You need something else to turn your thoughts into actions; and that something else is energy.

Energy is needed to propel a thought into action; and that energy comes from deep inside you. That energy is actually your feelings and emotions. How can a feeling or an emotion be energy? Think for a minute about what makes you act. What inspires you to do something?

You are inspired by a “thought”; and that thought is laden with emotion. You will do something because it gives you pleasure, it makes you feel happy, or you are curious to see what will happen. Conversely, you will put off doing something (take an action) if it makes you feel bad.

Your feelings and emotions put life into your thoughts and as a result, you act.

Turning your thoughts into action requires your willingness and ability to honor yourself; believe in yourself and become willing to have a voice and take a stand.

Believe you can and you will!

If you believe that you can do something, then the chances are that you can do it.  If you do not believe that you can, then you most certainly will not.

Self-belief is the cornerstone and the foundation of successful action; of breaking out and creating a break through!

Your belief in yourself + Your knowing that you have the right to BE, DO and HAVE that which affirms and esteems your best Self = Your able-ness and willingness to turn your thoughts into actions.

This is not always as easy as it sounds. Belief and, perhaps more importantly, self-belief, resides in our hearts and minds. At its core, self-belief is a truth about ourselves in which we must have faith.

It is a wonderful feeling when our belief shows us that we were right to have faith in ourselves, and we choose and are able to act on our own behalf.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

It’s Valentine’s Day again!  Let Valentine’s Day this year be the bell of awareness ringing in your ear, reminding you to carve out the time to connect with the one who stole your heart.  Retailers and Madison Avenue would like us to all rush out and buy chocolate; flowers, mushy cards and teddy bears.  But consider this instead:

If he takes Fido out for his 10:00 pm walk every night, why not offer to do it for him the next four or five nights.  Or if pulling the trashcans out to the street is his job, take the trashcans out for the next couple of weeks and give him a break.  Or tell her that you are going to grab the kids and take them away on Saturday morning so she can have the house all to herself for several hours and then all meet up for lunch somewhere at noon.

You get the picture.  Really focus in on the one you love and come up with the four most loving behaviors you can think of and then make a gift of your time and energy.

Don’t miss the sweetness and the joy you will both experience by reaching out and connecting with each other from the center of your being and the bottom of your heart.  That’s the real meaning of Valentine’s Day.

Embrace the moment and the gift of your love.  Make this Valentine’s Day the most personal Valentine’s Day yet!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Relationships are like bank accounts.  If you keep pulling money out without making deposits you will go bankrupt.  What does the balance sheet of your love life look like?

You know, relationships are living breathing entities.  Our investment of deliberate intention, and focused time, energy and attention is the order of the day.  Your relationship can’t wait until it is convenient for you; or until you have finished everything on your to-do list; or until you are at leisure.

Being a successful Honey and being a successful career person at the same time requires some serious intention, investment and commitment from both partners.  Relationships grow and flourish when both people show up and make consistent deposits.  One person alone, even if that one person makes huge deposits, cannot build and maintain a joyful, satisfying relationship for both of you.

Do you spend more time each week watching television or commuting to work than you do alone with your Beloved?  Or are you too busy to even have a beloved?

I think you’d agree that to keep that spark alive, you and your partner must spend quality, eyeball-to-eyeball time together.

Think back to when you first started dating. What did you do?  What things did you both enjoy that you no longer make time to do?

Remind yourself and each other of all the reasons you fell in love.

Let your creative juices flow!  Let your imagination go wild!  Anything goes.  This is the most important person in your life.  Rejoice!  Celebrate yourself and each other.  Let this Valentine’s Day be your good reason.

And if you haven’t met your special someone yet, the person who matches your values and makes your heart sing; remember, when you are actively engaged in the life that you love you more easily attract the love of your life!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Lubov Skurina is a transformative relationship coach; founder of My Time to Be Loved, and the creator of Soulmate Attraction System™. She specializes in helping single women attract their ideal life partner by transforming their core beliefs and reclaiming their authentic ability to give and receive love.

Lobov is offering a webinar on Monday, February 13: Soulmate Attraction for a Busy Woman.

In this webinar you will discover why you might be experiencing negative relationship patterns and some ways to change them. Lubov will share the steps to take to attract a completely different relationship into your life. www.mytimetobeloved.com/web/events

Fear of Intimacy: 3 Main Reasons
You Attract Unavailable Men

Why does it happen that you can’t cross a certain barrier in a relationship? On the surface everything looks fine: you have mutual interests, you like each other, you may or may not be physically intimate, but you are “together.” Yet something is missing. There is no real connection. It feels more like “spending time together” vs. really being together. This may last for years. You may be exclusive but you don’t feel that you really “belong” to him, or he really “belongs” to you. He won’t commit. The relationship is going nowhere.

This happens to many couples. When this happens you talk about yourself or your partner being “emotionally unavailable.” What makes us unavailable emotionally? What makes us build walls around our intimate feelings? What keeps us from sharing our deeper self with our partner? In my experience, the fear of intimacy comes from 3 main sources.

Fear of repeating abuse

If you were hurt in the past by an emotionally or physically abusive partner, it is possible that you develop fear of intimacy if the trauma that you experienced left deep enough scars.

I’ve had clients who can’t even imagine meeting the love of their life, because being in the space of love, warmth, intimacy, is immediately associated with the pain of abuse or betrayal. I tell them: “Imagine that your soulmate is sitting next to you, can you describe him?” The response is “I am in so much pain, I can’t even breathe.”

Self-esteem issues

If deep inside you believe that “you are not good enough,” if you are ashamed of some aspect of yourself, you may inadvertently become guarded, maybe even defensive or “unapproachable.” You build protective walls around yourself. Your deepest fear is that if you let your guard down, in the moment of vulnerability that an intimate connection involves, your “flaw” will be pointed out to you.

I had a client who, since childhood, was convinced that she was “fat and ugly” (which wasn’t true at all, by the way.) She came across as too strong, difficult to approach. She had many friends, but couldn’t develop truly intimate love relationships. She complained that her partners were “distant” and ultimately left.

Fear of losing yourself

The third scenario is also common. Many women are convinced that a relationship will take away their freedom, will make them sacrifice their interests; that in order to please their partner they’ll have to lose themselves and become someone else.

It’s hard to believe, but the reason you are attracted to unavailable men is that you have a deep sited fear of commitment. You want love more than anything else, yet at a subconscious level you “don’t have chemistry” with men who are open and willing to give you what you want, and you are drawn to the unavailable.

The first step to breaking the spell is to recognize that intimacy is at the core of a love relationship. A deep intimate connection is the essence of what you are truly looking for in a life partner.

The second step – face you fear. Ask yourself: “Am I ready to open up, to be vulnerable, to trust another person? Am I ready to share myself with my partner?”

Hire a therapist or a coach who will help you see your blind spots and work through your fears. This barrier may not be easy to cross, but it’s totally worth it, because the joy of love and fulfillment is on the other side.

Lubov Skurina
http://www.mytimetobeloved.com

We all have many needs and values, but everyone is different and your values may be different to those of other people around you. That doesn’t make them wrong, just different. Most of our needs and values are acquired as we grow up and reflect those of the people closest to us during that period. However, our experiences also form strong values as we make judgments about what is important to us.

When you form a relationship, the compatibility of your needs and values will contribute to the strength of that relationship. The plain fact is that we all have needs, and our needs are legitimate. The problem, though, is that many of us may confuse the concept of neediness, something very different, with having real and legitimate needs that can be reasonably met!

Needs are those things that are essential to your doing your best, having your best and being your best.  A need can be met by getting something from outside of you. In order for your needs to be met, usually something or someone must change – either in your environment, relationship, calendar or bank account. For example, a need can be for clarity, enough money in your bank account, invitations to social events or more recognition or acknowledgement. You can have the need for food, shelter, control, order, safety and security, encouragement, appreciation or something you feel less tangible.

Values, in contrast to needs, are almost always internally related. You must honor your values. For example, honoring your value for being on time means choosing behaviors that will ensure your timeliness. Values, unlike needs, cannot be met by another person or by external environments or events changing. Knowing what you value and honoring your values by behaving in concert with those values energizes everything and everybody involved. When you commit to a value and act according to that value you take on a new energy, which in turn attracts great success, achievement and personal happiness. You live by your values.

Values can be more related to qualities and can be experienced and discerned inside of you. Values can range from the commonplace, such as the belief in hard work, self-reliance, and punctuality, to concern for others, trust in others and harmony of purpose.

Some needs and values can be in both categories. For example, if you are a person who has a need to be included and your need is not being met, you may be more competitive or territorial and far less likely to include others, yourself. On the other hand, when your need to be included is met you may very well become a person who naturally creates opportunities to include others. One could argue that you hold a value for including others. After your need to be included was met, you were more able to live your value.

Becoming aware of your needs and values isn’t something that happens easily and quickly. It is actually a complex process that requires time and focus. However, it is a very worthwhile exercise – you will see how effective an aid it is to help you choose the person with whom you have a high chance of feeling comfortable.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

How you came to be where you are is less important at this point than recognizing and fully, consciously embracing that you are here; alone; maybe lonely maybe not; relying on yourself; stretching and growing in new ways and more deeply every day; and choosing, with deliberate intention, to be in charge of designing and managing the rest of your life.

So what’s your story?

–Were you deeply dissatisfied and finally let yourself know that if you didn’t get out you were going to die?

–Or did you finally get it – that even though you did it right and followed all the rules “happily ever after” wasn’t so happy?

–Or did he turn you in for a newer, shinier model?

–Or have you survived the unspeakable pain of the love of your life dying years before his time?

Whatever brought you here, now, in this place in time, on your little square of terra firma, welcome to the rest of your life!

Your starting point

We all have a need for a certain amount of stability in our lives. There are four cornerstones that create are the foundation of your life:

1. Your needs and values; the external and internal structures of your life.
2. Your vision; what you want your life to be.
3. Your life purpose; your reason for being.
4. Your mission; the daily choices and behaviors that put into action living on purpose with vision driven by needs and values.

These form the basis of your Inner Life. Right now you may not be clear on what some of these are, but they are all there in your subconscious and help you to make decisions that are right for you.

These four cornerstones ensure that you are engaging in your life and in the dating process with integrity and with accurate information and full awareness about yourself.

Let me explain:  you create your life and your love life through your beliefs, intentions and the actions you take in the world. Every one of us has an inner guidance system that drives us and guides us in making choices, whether we are aware of it or not.

Your inner guidance system is a combination of these four related, but separate, parts. A love relationship is most fulfilling and satisfying when it is in alignment with your needs/values, vision, life purpose and mission.

If you live from your very being, you will live a life in alignment with your needs/values, vision and life purpose. When you live from your very being, you can genuinely love and be loved by another; you can know a love that grows out of choice. Real love with your partner-in-life will allow you to experience being loved by someone who chooses to love you, who sees in you something worth loving.

What so many people forget is that lasting happiness, peace of mind, deep and joyful love, abundance, physical and emotional health are created primarily through who you are being rather than what you are doing or having.  It is who you are being that matters most! We are human beings first and foremost, after all. To be, then to do and have is part of our very essence; to be our best, to be all that we desire to be.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Serious times call for serious choices and decisions. While many couples are willing to make the tough choice to get back into the workforce, they have no idea where to start.  And most will start the process filled with fear, resentment and desperation.

You can make this a more rewarding process for your spouse by understanding four important realities:  the decision to return to work is unexpected and perhaps unwelcome; might trigger some feelings of guilt or failure; might trigger some feelings of anger or resentment and can feel like a significant loss; grieving and sadness are normal and natural reactions.

When your marriage is built on the cornerstones of mutual respect, mutuality and reciprocity, it matters to you that your spouse is experiencing something that is hard, sad or perhaps frightening.

Here are three tips to help you consider the important aspects and elements related to getting back into the workforce.  The tips are written for your spouse as if she or he were doing this work right now.

1.  My Vision and Values:

When you think of your vision, think of your personal world of family, friends and community—everything in the world that touches you in some way every day and how you want that to be.  Your values are who you are, what you do and how you express yourself. When you live through your values, you make decisions and choices that honor those values without regard for your desires, thoughts or fears and your life has meaning.

Sit down in a quiet place and open up the telephone book.  Flip through the pages one by one, slowly and methodically read all the names of the businesses and all the ads.  Notice when your interest or your curiosity is piqued—do not pay any attention to the qualifications you may or may not have for any particular business.  Mark each page with a paper clip or a yellow sticky.  Go back and make a list of the products and services that piqued your interest or curiosity and keep this list handy.

This exercise will give you a very accurate thumbnail sketch of the kinds of businesses that would be a wonderful match to your vision and your values, or at least be compatible.

2.  My Operating Beliefs and Assumptions—aka—Stop Acting From Fear:

Most people make decisions based on fear, disillusionment or a belief that you will have to settle. You are afraid that you can’t have what you need and want. You are disillusioned about life and you settle because well intentioned others remind you that life is hard and all about compromise. And you become willing to compromise away the very nature of your being.

Acting from fear can never result in making a decision that matches your most brilliant, passionate self!  Step up and have the courage to be present for yourself and others will be present for you.

Sit down in a quiet place with a pad of paper and a pencil and craft three powerful statements that are true about you.

Here’s a hint:

• What would your oldest friend say they appreciate most about you?
• If you have a family member who has been your cheerleader over the years, what would they say you are known for in your family (even if the family doesn’t value this, it could be a big strength of yours!)?
• Think about people who know you in your community, your children’s school, your church or synagogue.  What would one of those people say about how you touched their life?

You must own and acknowledge your personal gifts, skills and talents and take this knowing with you wherever you go! Add these three powerful statements about you to your phone book list.

3.  My Conscious Choices:

A conscious choice means you are in charge of the choosing: you are deciding; you are saying your real yes! and your real no!; and you are honoring who you are and what you need and want.

The work you did in tips one and two have armed you with lots of solid information about you and now you can begin the job-hunting process with confidence and optimism.  You have a direction to begin this journey.

It is more than a strong possibility that you are deeply grounded and informed by what you know about you. More than likely, you will attract or be attracted to a job that will be a good match.  Your personal knowing is like a giant magnet out there and your next job—maybe not the perfect job—will very likely show up.

If you are unable to find a job that matches well or hardly matches at all, don’t fret.  Your value for working and contributing to your family right now is the motivation that will keep your energy high and your spirit buoyant.  It will be you turning lemons into lemonade, not you giving up or settling for less.

Your support and encouragement as a loving spouse is more important than I have words to express.  Never underestimate the power of your love and encouragement, and the safe container only you can create for your spouse so they can suit up, show up, and in this case, get back into the workforce for the good of the family.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

A successful, committed relationship depends upon being ready:

1. Physically
2. Emotionally
3. Financially
4. Legally
5. Spiritually

…for the life and relationship that you want.  Get your personal work done first!

Are you ready *Physically*?

• Are you actively engaged in a physical fitness program?
• Are you committed to eating health-promoting foods?
• Do you do your best most of the time to avoid overeating, or eating too much sugar and fat?
• Do you take care of your gums and teeth and make sure your breath is sweet?
• Is your personal hygiene the very best it can be?  If not, are you making the necessary changes?

Are you ready *Emotionally*?

• Are you over your past relationships? That is, have you resolved any hurt and or anger that is a normal part of breaking up.
• Are you actively engaged in a personal growth process facilitated by a professional to heal childhood pain that may interfere with an intimate adult relationship?
• If you have trouble with anger, holding grudges, shutting down emotionally or “leaving the scene” are you taking the time to learn and practice more resourceful behaviors?

Are you ready *Financially*?

• Are you actively and with intention resolving any credit card debit you may have accumulated?
• If you are paying child support and or spousal support, have you integrated these expenses into your budget?
• Have you clarified your financial goals for the next 12 months?  Five years? 10 years?  Over 10 years?  For retirement?

Are you ready *Legally*?

• Are you actively and with intention resolving any legal situations that may exist?
• If you are divorced, is your custody, spousal support and child support resolved?
• Are you being honest and honorable in all your personal and business dealings to insure – to the best of your ability – that you will not become involved in any unpleasant legal matters again?

Are you ready *Spiritually*?

• Are you a religious person?  A spiritual person?  Agnostic or Atheist?
• Is becoming involved with a person of the same faith important to you?  To your family?
• Is raising your children (existing or future) in a particular faith important to you?  To your family?
• Have you actively and with intention thought about theses issues?  Have you come to any conclusions?  Do you have any preferences?

Be sure you…

• Spend enough time clarifying your personal Vision, Requirements, Needs and Wants.
• Spend all the time it takes to answer the questions: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?
• Focus on developing and practicing dating and inter-personal relationship skills.
• Be as ready as you can be to meet your ideal mate and create the life and the love life that affirms and esteems your best self!

Let’s see how “ready” you are; or if you need some help getting there.  You are invited to visit http://www.drjackieblack.com/resources/assessments/ where you will be able to complete three different free Readiness Assessment quizzes!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

The beginning of the year is a good time to take stock; to examine where we’ve been; where we are now; and where we want to go this year.

I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on the various aspects of your life.

• What accomplishment are you very proud of?
• What goal did you have that wasn’t realized?
• Did you experience any losses or disappointments? Have you spent time grieving the hurt associated with the loss or disappointment?
• Anything unexpected happen? Have you expressed your gratitude?
• Is there a task or an endeavor that is incomplete that you want to complete or bring closure to this year?
• Do you still need or want to do or say something to someone?
• Do you have a dream for 2012? And a plan to make it a reality?

This is just a partial list that I want to invite you to use to spark your personal inquiry.

My amazing Grandmother used to say, “A rolling stone gathers no moss.” Loosely translated, that old saying reminds us to stay actively engaged in our lives and to resist becoming complacent.

Be the architect of your life. Don’t wait for something to happen. Design your life and your love life for the rest of your life and be sure your design matches your vision for your life; your values; and your life purpose.

Don’t settle; compromise; or negotiate away that which is your right and your obligation to Be, Do and Have.

I thank you for being in our network. It is a privilege and an honor to serve you. I hope this year will be everything you want it to be and that you will join us for a terrific 2012!

I thank the dedicated team at DrJackieBlack.com for your tireless work and your commitment to excellence in everything we undertake. I am deeply grateful and appreciative to all of you.

My team joins me in wishing you a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year filled with abundance, joy, and treasured moments!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Avoid making decisions about love relationships based on fear, disillusionment, or a belief that you have to settle. Resist acting on the fear that you aren’t going to find anyone who will cherish you and accept your faults.

Recognize that you can co-create a life-long partnership that will honor, encourage, and nurture your best self.

Recently a teleclass participant told the group that the man she is dating is a wonderful person; takes very good care of her; though there just isn’t the romantic chemistry that she wants to feel. Another teleclass participant complained of missing feeling the attraction that he has felt with other women, yet, his current lady really loves him and treats him better than anyone ever treated him before.

These folks are in conflict about moving forward with their relationships. Little wonder! There seems to be little or no emotional intimacy between them; and the closeness is definitely missing.

Were it not for the fact that they feel loved, are taken care of and are treated better than ever before, neither would be considering creating life-long partnerships. The behaviors they are valuing are nice, but they are not enough on which to build a life-long love relationship that will stand the test of time!

If these stories are familiar to you, think about your last relationship and ask yourself the following questions:

• Did your wants and needs, hopes and dreams, ideas, beliefs, and values matter to you as much as your partner’s mattered to you?
• Did you love him/her?
• Did you respect him/her and feel respected by him/her?
• Did the two of you learn how to hear each other and communicate when you were hurt, angry, disappointed, or disagreed about differences?
• Did you like yourself and how you felt when you were together?
• Did being in the presence of one another enrich you?

Trust your goodness and “enoughness.” Have the courage to be present for yourself and others will be present for you.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!