Ask Dr. Jackie

10 Tips For Successful Internet Dating

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 06:58:32 -0600

Internet Dating has become a popular, legitimate and preferred way to date. Men and women across the globe are talking about–and are interested in–Internet Dating.

Your success depends on you becoming conscious, forthcoming about your needs and requirements, and developing excellent listening skills.

Here are my Top 10 Tips For Success when you date on the Net.

Give serious thought to who you are, who you are interested in meeting and how you might describe yourself and your ideal match.
Focus on writing a great profile that does two things: gets you “found” and gets responses from people who zero in on your ideal match.
Post a current photograph. Ask yourself, “How do I want to present myself?” “How do I want people to see me?” “What do I want them to know when they read about me?” And please make sure you post your photo–not someone else’s!!
Resist embellishing and exaggerating. Integrity is not a choice. Integrity lives inside us and is part of every action, reaction, interaction, choice and decision.
Be timely. Answer the responses and initial inquiries within three to four days. It is considered good etiquette to answer all emails since people have taken the time and effort to communicate with you.
Think about each email as an opportunity to get to know another new person. Be curious and interested.
Move to the phone after two to five emails. The faster you move from email to the telephone, the faster you will be able to pay attention to little clues that may alert you to a potential “plus” or a potential problem.
Gradually collect information to assess and determine if you want to meet this person face-to-face.
Watch for red flags. Most people are on their best behavior when you first meet. Stay observant and don’t make any excuses for any bad or questionable behavior.
Ensure your safety first above all else! Being safe and staying safe is your responsibility. Only you can make you feel safe.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Honor the Boundaries You Set

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 07:52:34 -0600

Dear Dr. Jackie:

After 5 years together, my girlfriend and I broke-up. The thing is, I don't hate her, but I just didn't feel passion for her and that's important for me. My ex-girlfriend calls me every now and then to hear my voice and asks to see me about once a week, just so she can rest her head on my shoulder and cry over the breakup. Last week, though, she tried sleeping with me, and having had a few drinks, I caved. I'm pretty sure this gave her false hopes about us and I want to ensure that there's no confusion. Should I just cut all ties at this point? I’m not sure that this won’t happen again.

Dr. Jackie Answers:

I am very impressed by your honesty about yourself and your clarity about your situation!

1. You don’t feel passion for her.

2. You caved in and had sex with her.

3. You understand you gave her false hope.

4. You want to ensure there is no confusion.

5. You’re not sure you won’t have sex with her again.

Bravo!! This level of self-appraisal is excellent, and your question is the right question to be asking: Should I just cut all ties at this point?

If the relationship feels like it is over, then you must act like it is over. It puts you out of personal integrity to end a relationship in your mind and act like you are in the relationship with your body!

For conscious adults our thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs must all match each other. If any one of those elements doesn’t match the other three, then you are out of personal integrity and you will NOT be congruent.

Also, you must honor what’s true for you without respect for what might be true for your ex-girlfriend. What are your boundaries around this situation? You are the wrong person for her to call and cry about the end of the relationship. She needs to call a friend or hire a professional who can help her come to terms with the end of her relationship with you.

Your job is to know how you feel and to know what you want: (1) There is no passion; (2) You are not interested in remaining committed to this woman; and (3) You are not willing to remain actively engaged in this relationship.

So then it becomes your job to take responsibility and end the relationship in a respectful way; and then let her have her reaction! Her reaction to your taking personal responsibility and doing so in a respectful way is none of your business.

So take the next step! Honor what you know, honor your boundaries; and do the right thing for YOU!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

How Do You Set Boundaries?

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 07:09:04 -0600

Let me say first, setting boundaries is not disrespectful, bad or wrong. In fact, emotionally healthy people set personal boundaries.

Educate people in your life about your boundaries. Calmly and respectfully inform them about how they can and cannot behave around you. Let people know what you want and don't want, what you like and don’t like.

Let people know what your limits are. This actually gives people in your life the security of knowing your relationship guidelines and eliminates their fears about how they should behave with you.

Just a note to point out that the failure or inability to set boundaries may result in several unfortunate circumstances:

Inability or unwillingness to set limits results in no protection for yourself.
Building walls to protect yourself actually blocks closeness and prevents loving and unloving interactions.
Confusion or ambivalence about setting boundaries results in partial protection.
Building walls or inadequate boundaries blocks all interactions and results in no protection.
Be a person who knows that you have a right to control distance, touching and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with you.
You have a right to control your response to what others say, do, or expect of you, and they have the same right.
You think your own thoughts and make your own choices. You must choose to do or not to do that which is in your own best interest or in response to your experiences. Others have the same right.
If you offend or affront another person, you are responsible for the impact of your action and should make amends. If someone offends or affronts you, s/he is responsible for the impact of his or her action and should make amends.

Setting and maintaining your own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned.

It takes mindfulness, intention and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills. It is worth it--And so are you!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

How Do Boundaries Work?

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 11:19:21 -0600

HOW DO BOUNDARIES WORK?

We learn to set boundaries to protect two different parts of Self:

Boundaries for our Outside Self, which protect our body and control distance and touch
Boundaries for our Inside Self, which act as filters or blocks to protect our thinking, feeling and behavior

Boundaries that protect our Outside Self can be violated by such actions as:

Touching or standing too close without permission
Intruding on a person's privacy; for instance, walking into the bathroom or bedroom without knocking, or getting into another's personal possessions without permission

Boundaries that protect our Inside Self can be violated by such actions as:

Yelling, screaming, name calling, ridiculing, lying, patronizing and sarcasm
Negative control
Unrealistic expectations
Demanding one's own way or point of view as the only choice

HOW ARE BOUNDARIES SET?

Let me say first, setting boundaries is not disrespectful, bad or wrong. In fact, personal boundaries are set by people who are emotionally healthy.

Let people know what your limits are. This actually gives people in your life the security of knowing your relationship guidelines and eliminates their fears about how they should behave with you.

Just a note to point out that the failure or inability to set boundaries may result in several unfortunate circumstances:

Inability or unwillingness to set limits results in no protection for yourself
Building walls to protect yourself actually blocks closeness and prevents loving and unloving interactions
Confusion or ambivalence about setting boundaries results in partial protection
Building walls or inadequate boundaries blocks all interactions and results in no protection

A boundary is not a barrier. Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth and self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are worthy of care.

Be a person who knows that you have a right to control distance, touching and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with you.
You have a right to control your response to what others say, do, or expect of you, and they have the same right.
You think your own thoughts and make your own choices. You must choose to do or not to do that which is in your own best interest or in response to your experiences. Others have the same right.
If you offend or affront another person, you are responsible for the impact of your action and should make amends. If someone offends or affronts you, s/he is responsible for the impact of his or her action and should make amends.

Setting and maintaining your own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned. It takes mindfulness, intention and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills. It is worth it; And so are you!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Why Are Boundaries Important?

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 06:58:21 -0600

If your life is filled with discord and you don’t feel that others respect you, it's time to set your boundaries.

Each of us experiences our reality in four ways:

Body - what we look like
Thinking - how we give meaning to incoming data
Feelings - our emotional response
Behavior - what we do or don't do

Intact boundaries give measured protection to your body, thinking, feelings and behaviors as you evaluate and assess the words and actions of other people in your life.

You filter your experiences through your cognitive mind and your feelings. Through the use of your boundaries you determine which words and actions you will accept and which you will block when they are unacceptable.

We set boundaries to protect our body, thinking, feelings and behavior.

This week give some thought to how well you set and maintain your own boundaries and honor the boundaries of others.

What are your boundaries?

Where do you draw the line?

How do you react when someone sets a boundary on you?

To find out, think of instances in the past few weeks or months when you felt intense emotion in response to something someone did or said to you.

Do you tend to give in?

Do you act against yourself or allow others to do things against your wishes?

Do you tolerate unacceptable conditions?

What did your family teach you about boundaries?

Do you have difficulty saying no or hearing no said to you?

The person who has hurt you says, "I'm sorry," but what does the behavior say to you?

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

What Are Boundaries?

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 07:50:36 -0600

If your life is filled with more of what you don't want and not enough of what you do want, it's time to set your boundaries.

Boundaries define a person's sense of self (i.e., who he or she is as an individual). Setting boundaries makes others feel safe around you and allows you to feel safe in your environment. It is a way to exhibit self-respect, thereby increasing the respect shown to you by others.

Boundaries…

Help other people know how to treat you.

Define your sense of self.

Delineate how much you have to give of time, money or energy.

Are dividing lines between you and everyone else that represents both physical and emotional limits others may not violate.

Separate your needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings from others.

Setting and keeping your boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are among the most challenging and confusing behaviors in relationships.

Boundaries are innate and natural to everyone. Each of you has your own internal indicator of when a boundary is being violated. A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt or outrage inside you.

Take some time and ask yourself two important questions:

“What boundaries do I need to set?” “What boundaries are others asking me to honor?”

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Are You Ready for a Relationship?

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 06:29:06 -0600

Your life will not be "better" if you are in a relationship. We take ourselves with us wherever we go...especially into love relationships.

A successful, committed relationship depends upon being ready:

Physically
Emotionally
Financially
Legally
Spiritually

for the life and relationship that you want. Get your personal work done first!

Be sure you...

Spend enough time clarifying your personal Vision, Requirements, Needs and Wants.
Spend all the time it takes to answer the questions: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?
Focus on developing and practicing dating skills.
Be as ready as you can be to meet your ideal mate and create the life and the love life that affirms and esteems your best self!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Big News for Dr. Jackie’s Best-selling Dating Book!!

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 13:59:39 -0600

Meeting Your Match: Cracking the code to successful relationships

Meeting Your Match was just selected to be "on exhibit" in the "bookstore" at the 2010 AARP Conference in Orlando FL, September 30 to October 02. They expect 25,000 attendees and the book will be included in the catalog of books and merchandise that will be available for all attendees.
http://www.aarp.org/about-aarp/events/

The 2010 California Library Association Conference in Sacramento, November 12-15, presented jointly with California School Library Association, also recently selected to “exhibit” Meeting Your Match at their Annual Conference.
http://www.cla-net.org/events/confexhibition.php

Your F*REE copy of Chapter 1 will be available on www.AskDrJackie.com soon!

The eBook will be available for your Kindle and 7 other eReaders soon!

Meeting Your Match provides solid relationship education and the essential relationship success skills that you need to date and build a lasting, joyful committed relationship!

If you don't have your copy of Meeting Your Match, click on the book icon on this page. We'll send your copy out today!

Check out Dr. Jackie’s upcoming books at www.CrackingTheCodeBook.com.

I am humbled and very grateful for all the good that flows into my life every day. As an esteemed colleague of mine says, Life is good!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Dr. Jackie Named “Beloved COSMO International Love Guru”

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 07:19:22 -0600

“COSMO’s Beloved International Love Gurus all agree that sex, respect and commitment are all integral parts of a healthy relationship.”

Dr. Jackie’s Thoughts on Commitment:

The nature and structure of a committed, loving relationship is related to the agreements and commitments each partner makes to the relationship, not to each other. Agreements and commitments are actually behaviours driven by values that serve to support the structure.

There are five essential parts to the structure of a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship: Tell your personal truth, act with good will and good intentions, honour and respect your partner’s feelings as if they were your own, be responsible to co-create the relationship that matches your vision, values and life purpose and live your passion, bringing yourself from “you” to “us.”

Ask yourself what agreements and commitments provide the structure for your relationship? Are you and your partner both clear about what you have agreed and committed to? All the agreements and commitments must be bi-lateral, which means you and your boyfriend must both make those agreements and commitments together. Honour them no matter what. It is a breach of trust when you don’t keep your agreements and commitments. Be sure you are able to honour them before you agree and commit.

Remember, only you can make it happen!

Link to COSMO - Dr. Jackie’s Thoughts on Commitment

All's Fair in Love and Finances

nospam@example.com (Dr. Jackie Black) — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 09:08:10 -0600

Mature men and women who are dating have many questions about money and issues related to money management.

The most frequent question I am asked by men is how to avoid always picking up the tab. Women are curious about how to engage men in conversations about money. What questions are OK to ask? When do you start asking direct questions about money?

Everybody wants to be sure they are financially compatible before they commit to a long-term partnership, but very few are comfortable talking about the issues. There are a few simple things you can do to avoid always picking up the tab.

First determine the occasions that you can imagine choosing to "pick up the tab": You invite a friend to dinner to celebrate her birthday; You take a friend or family member to lunch as a way to say thank you for checking on your house when you were away.

Next, recognize that it is important to address this issue at the time you ask someone for the date, not when you are sitting in a restaurant or standing in line for movie tickets.

Now develop phrases that sound like you and convey what you mean to say. Consider: "This is a bit awkward for me to say, but, I prefer if we each pay for ourselves. How does that sound to you?"; "I am more comfortable if we each pay for ourselves. Is that all right with you?"

It is perfectly acceptable to say that something is too expensive for you at this time or to suggest an alternative that is more in your price range.

Assessing financial compatibility is an essential aspect of the dating process and can be helpful in existing relationships as well. There is no substitute for spending time together in many different situations, listening carefully to personal sharing, and observing behavior.

Let's talk about your money personality. Your money personality is not dependent on how much money you earn. It has specifically to do with values, beliefs, concepts, fears, and fantasies about money.

What did your parents tell you about money? What did you learn from observing them? What are your beliefs about spending, saving, tithing, investing, and credit? What are your ideas about earning more or less money than your partner, or supporting someone else or being supported temporarily or for the long-term?

Do you enter each check in the register and balance your checkbook each month or not? What does it say to you about another person who does or does not? What do you spend money on? Do you pay attention to price?

It's never too early to offer your points of view about anything to do with money and to listen and observe carefully. There is nothing to feel embarrassed about or ashamed of. You are in charge of how you handle money.

Money issues come up sooner or later so you might as well be up front from the start. Your money personalities do not have to be the same. The critical question is "How do the differences affect me?"

Some differences can be easily accommodated. Some differences can cause dis-ease in your relationship that result in resentments that outlive the love.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Ask Dr. Jackie

10 Tips For Successful Internet Dating

Honor the Boundaries You Set

How Do You Set Boundaries?

How Do Boundaries Work?

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries?

Are You *Ready* for a Relationship?

Big News for Dr. Jackie’s Best-selling Dating Book!!

Dr. Jackie Named “Beloved COSMO International Love Guru”

All's Fair in Love and Finances

Are You Ready for a Relationship?