Ask Dr. Jackie:

I am happily married with 2 children—or so I thought. Recently, an old flame found me on Facebook and we have been reminiscing about the old days when we were lovers. He is also married with a child, and although we both know that we will never be together—I will not break up my home to be with him—I can’t help but always think of him and fantasize about him. I feel like I can’t control my impulses and want him so badly. Should I confess this to my husband and roll with the punches or should I keep this little secret to myself?


Dr. Jackie Answers:

Break off all contact with this man immediately!  You are playing with fire! You are putting your marriage at risk and you are seriously out of personal integrity!

Affairs of the heart are very dangerous to the people engaged in these kinds of extramarital relationships and extremely damaging to the partners of these folks when they find out or figure it out…and they a‑l‑w‑a‑y‑s do!

You are a married woman and you are in a committed relationship.  Please be very clear that engaging in this kind of behavior and fantasizing about another man is a major betrayal of the faith and trust your husband has in you and in his marriage; and a complete betrayal of your commitment to him to be monogamous.  Don’t think for a moment that because you are not having sex with this other man that you are not having an affair.

And as far as not being able to control your impulses, that is utter nonsense.  Of course you can.  The real question is do you want to control your impulses?  Will you chose to control your impulses?

Don’t burden your husband with the confessions of your bad behavior! Stop your bad behavior immediately and return your attentions to your marriage and get to work on fixing the problems that caused you to be at risk for an affair…at risk to respond to the attentions of another man, or seek out the attentions of another man.

These are exactly the issues that skilled relationship coaches have great success working with.  I have worked with many couples over the years who were smart enough to use this kind of situation to turn their energy and their attention to their marriage, and to repair the disillusionment and disappointment, rebuild the intimacy and deepen their love.

Stop using this poor other man to make yourself feel better about the deep sadness and disappointment you feel about your marriage and your life. Your husband is probably just as dissatisfied and unhappy as you are.  Spend time together to repair your marriage or decide it can’t be repaired, or you don’t want to repair it and get out; and build a life and a love life that matches for you.

You and your husband are worth it.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen.


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