Dear Dr. Jackie:
After 5 years together, my girlfriend and I broke-up. The thing is, I don’t hate her, but I just didn’t feel passion for her and that’s important for me. My ex-girlfriend calls me every now and then to hear my voice and asks to see me about once a week, just so she can rest her head on my shoulder and cry over the breakup. Last week, though, she tried sleeping with me, and having had a few drinks, I caved. I’m pretty sure this gave her false hopes about us and I want to ensure that there’s no confusion. Should I just cut all ties at this point? I’m not sure that this won’t happen again.
Dr. Jackie Answers:
I am very impressed by your honesty about yourself and your clarity about your situation!
1. You don’t feel passion for her.
2. You caved in and had sex with her.
3. You understand you gave her false hope.
4. You want to ensure there is no confusion.
5. You’re not sure you won’t have sex with her again.
Bravo!! This level of self-appraisal is excellent, and your question is the right question to be asking: Should I just cut all ties at this point?
If the relationship feels like it is over, then you must act like it is over. It puts you out of personal integrity to end a relationship in your mind and act like you are in the relationship with your body!
For conscious adults our thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs must all match each other. If any one of those elements doesn’t match the other three, then you are out of personal integrity and you will NOT be congruent.
Also, you must honor what’s true for you without respect for what might be true for your ex-girlfriend. What are your boundaries around this situation? You are the wrong person for her to call and cry about the end of the relationship. She needs to call a friend or hire a professional who can help her come to terms with the end of her relationship with you.
Your job is to know how you feel and to know what you want: (1) There is no passion; (2) You are not interested in remaining committed to this woman; and (3) You are not willing to remain actively engaged in this relationship.
So then it becomes your job to take responsibility and end the relationship in a respectful way; and then let her have her reaction! Her reaction to your taking personal responsibility and doing so in a respectful way is none of your business.
So take the next step! Honor what you know, honor your boundaries; and do the right thing for YOU!
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!