So often couples call and say…

“…My husband and I love each other and are very invested and committed in our relationship to each other and our kids. We go out on dates once a week; but our sexual/sensual relationship no longer exists…”

Or, “…My wife and I are wonderful companions and best friends but we’re not in love with each other anymore…”

Or, “…Do sexual feelings ever come back once they are lost?”

I believe that loving, feeling loved and being in love are terribly misunderstood concepts that lead couples to false expectations and assumptions about each other and their relationship.

The fact that couples report loving each other and being invested and committed in their relationship is very good news!  I always am very heartened when I hear couples say that they are best friends or wonderful companions.

Those warm, endearing, respectful feelings toward one another are the foundation on which we build intimacy. Sensuality and sexuality can only exist and grow when relationships are based on those good feelings about each other; and the recognition that they care about each other and are connected to each other.

The problem is that contemporary couples don’t have accurate beliefs about what deepens and sustains those warm feelings toward each other and the experiences they have with each other.

Here’s a fact that every couple must understand: Sexuality, sensuality and intimacy can flourish in your relationship and are NOT dependent on time or energy!

While going out on a date every week is an important part of supporting and maintaining your connection as partners, it is NOT enough.

Think about a beautiful garden; the flowers are in full bloom and growing profusely! Someone routinely tends this garden. The gardener removes the weeds as soon as they poke their heads out of the ground; waters and feeds the plants, and cultivates the soil… routinely.

Imagine what the condition of the garden might be if the gardener only went out to the garden once a week to pick the flowers to be enjoyed over the weekend. Committed, joyful, lasting love relationships require the same attention and intention on an on-going basis; not just once a week.

Every day you and your partner must plan to connect for just a moment at four critical times of the day. Every day, for a moment four times a day.

Throughout the week there are specific little things you can do for and say to each other; special loving behaviors that will remind each of you that you are cherished and loved; that you matter to the other.

This is the rich soil in which intimacy and sexual energy grow more deeply every day.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!


Original Content by Jackie Black, Ph.D., BCC ~
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